The Inside Story

This is the story of the collective of inside parts who shared the body with Eliana. We handled the abuse that she could not face. We carried it for her until she got to a point where she could handle knowing about it and could gradually help us carry our burdens. There are still many of us but I will speak for everyone here to tell our story. I am Alice, but I was not always called that. Alice is the name the Doctors and Counselors gave me. Before that I was just the Other One.

It is hard to know what really happened when one was an infant or toddler but we think people have better memory of those times than is commonly thought. Its just that people have not been taught to recognize those memories for what they are. They are experienced differently since they don't have language to them. They are more of raw experience. Most of the memories that our collective has kept were initially experienced this way because we were never allowed to put language to what we witnessed because of the secrecy imposed upon us. Anyway, as far as we've been able to figure I was the first person to split off of the core person who was born into the body. Eliana had experienced abuse by the secret cult her parents were involved in before that time but a split wasn't required until the night that her father and stepmother sexually abused her together. Her father sodomized her that night from behind while the stepmother sat watching, just out of reach. Eliana went away, way up in her head and I came to take her place. I was the tough one. I could take what she couldn't.

I think maybe there were other parts who split off of her or me during ritual abuse events we endured in young childhood but all of those memories and parts were kind of consolidated under one head, me, when the Doctors got a hold of us. The first time they had us was when a man and woman in our family took us into a gated facility. There were many buildings within the locked, fenced area, but we went to a building that looked like a school. It had a long, single hall with rooms all along it. This was an all night event where a German speaking doctor gave us drugs and subjected us to shocks on our head and our most sensitive places to deliberately cause us to create more parts. The Ragdoll was created that day, along with the Mother of all of our sexual job parts. The Mother was sent to another room where she was filmed in pornography with other adults. The body was 3 years old when this happened. The structured abuse we experienced that night was designed to create the "root" parts the mind control programmers would need to be able to create the rest of the systems.

In the next few visits to the Doctors and their colleagues The Counselors I would be brought out to speak with them and to represent the rest of the systems. I was named "Alice" after the main character in the Alice in Wonderland stories by Lewis Carroll. That story was chosen to be symbolic of our inner world. Inside, where the alters lived was named "Wonderland". The "rabbit hole" was the space between the alter systems and the outside host self and parts she had created. When we were taken to sessions with the Doctors and Counselors we would spend time with the counselors first where I would talk to them and tell them all that had gone on in the outside life. I would be required to answer all of the Counselor's questions fully and honestly. They taught me that the eyes were the mirror of the soul and all they had to do was to look at our eyes to know if we were not telling the truth or were holding anything back. It happened enough times to teach us that this was so. So we tried hard to be completely honest and cooperative. After the Counselor was done with us, we would be put into a medical type room and needles would be put into us and metal clamps on our very sensitive places and we would be given drugs, shocks and spinning. We got spun every way possible, many times while being forced to listen to ear piercing sounds of crazy music or screaming or incessant crying.

This treatment was designed to create the "rabbit hole". The rabbit hole would keep Eliana on the outside and not knowing about the rest of us. If anything triggered her to start to remember us, the rabbit hole experiences (drugs, crazy, spinning) would be relived first and she would naturally avoid anything to do with us. This way they kept her from knowing and us from telling.

After the spinning and drugs and electroshock we would be reduced to being the "Ragdoll" again and again and new parts who had zero memory of anything at all would be "born" and would be given a name and a way for them to be reached and brought out at a later time. If the doctors and counselors were not creating new parts, they were calling out and training ones they had already created in various roles. We would spend whole nights and weekends there with the counselors and doctors in training, and even later after the initial training of all of the parts we would be brought in to check up on all of us, how we were doing, if we still knew our jobs, if we still only knew what we were supposed to know and nothing else. Most of the time we would be trained locally, but sometimes we would be taken to different places via private airplane or helicopter for other specialized training.

Through these training sessions parts would be assigned colors to group them together. Each color was associated with kinds of jobs the parts in the system did:

Blue: These were the first parts created who participated in the social interaction involved in the hidden network of groups. They were the ones consolidated under me who handled ritual abuse in the home cult and sexual abuse at the dad's house. Blue parts would be chosen at times for cross-training as other colors and could be travelers in the system. I was the head Traveler and could see what was going on with the other color coded parts, but the extent of my freedom was not known to the programmers, which was my intention.
Red: Sexual roles. This meant all sexual roles whether under the porn, prostitution, or general sexual abuse. A red and a purple would work together in spiritual-sexual roles as in sex magick.
Green: Technical roles. These had to do with the internal functions like passwords, programming cues, switching of parts. Also parts who were trained in intelligence functions like aspects of espionage and other facets of living a double life. Green parts might, say, have a gate code to a closed facility or know exactly where to go in town to drop off a message or receive one. The parts who regularly reported in to handlers and programmers were green parts.
Purple: These were the most highly trained spiritual parts. They are the ones who carry the training in many occult practices and lore, and psychic abilities.

The Doctors and Counselors taught our parents how to keep us all separate and how to make sure all of us stayed away unless we were needed for some reason. Our parents learned to watch Eliana's face for any signs that one of us was showing up and she would be taken aside and told to "change her face". There was very deliberate training with daily maintenance to make sure certain parts were playing their appropriate roles, even the amnesic host self  Eliana. The Doctors and Counselors also reassured our parents that Eliana would never remember the events lived by her other parts if the procedures they were teaching were followed exactly. One of the main rules that had to be followed was that Eliana was to experience absolutely no trauma at all. No abuse was to be allowed unless the one perpetrating it was sure they had an appropriate alter self fully present. Eliana was not even to be spanked as discipline in regular life and all effort was to be made to be sure "home" was a safe place. The divorce served this purpose well as Eliana lived with her mother and visited her father regularly. Her father was assigned the task of being the one to take Eliana to the Doctors/Counselors for programming. Her mother was involved in the cult life and was even a leader but was careful to keep those activities very separate from home life. The story The Wizard of Oz was used to model the way this double life worked. "Kansas" was the everyday life that Eliana lived. This was also called the "daytime" life.  "Oz" was the "nighttime" life. Ordinary people Eliana knew in the daytime as teachers and grocers and friends and their parents became cultists and priests and acolytes and other things in the nighttime life. Eliana lived in Kansas. We lived in Oz.

All of this careful sculpting, training, and monitoring of our array of identities was designed to make us as productive as possible in the various roles we were assigned to carry out, and was designed to make us a slave for life to the groups who used us behind the scenes of an apparently normal life. Why would people put this much effort, energy, and money to such a thing? For the same reasons evil people do anything they do: money, power, status within a certain group. We are called the Programmed Multiples and we are a hot commodity in the black market of the underbelly of the world. We are used in jobs like performing in illegal pornography, or performing sexual roles in horrific whore houses where nothing is denied to the patron with enough cash. We are used to spy on various groups in society that the powers-that-be feel threatened by. After all, who would suspect a young mother in suburbia of being a spy? We are used to infiltrate churches and sabotage their productivity. It works especially well because the person who lives everyday life and carries the legal name and social security number has no memory of whatever the other parts who share her body and mind have done. This provides protection for the ones operating these networks. You can't tell what you can't remember. The alters are called out to do a job, then after the job is done they are instructed to go back inside and go to sleep until they are needed again.

We had alters inside who did nothing but get in cars with people when the right signal was given. We had other alters who did nothing but make phone calls to the people they were instructed to call. We had alters who were sexual experts, alters who were actresses, alters who performed witchcraft and other occult ritual activity, alters who spied on people and reported back, alters who channeled various spiritual entities or just powerful universal energy for the amusement and use of others. We were whatever our evil overlords required us to be and all of this behind a cover of amnesia. This is slavery, alive and well, operating in the 20th and 21st century in the First World.

We were told that we were special. We were told that our special gifts and abilities were essential and needed to improve the world in general. We were told that the torture we endured was all to make us the most superior kind of person that a person could possibly be. We were told it helped us be better people and able to reach heights of productivity we could not otherwise achieve. We were told that we were capable of things that people could not imagine a person could do. We were the Chosen Ones. We were the ones to create a Brave New World.

We bought into these lies for a long time until something happened that the programmers and cult did not plan. A friend of the family at Eliana's dad's house started having sex with Eliana when she was about 13. He didn't know about us. He just seduced her. Her way of coping with these kinds of things was to let us handle it and handle it we did. The ones in charge of our alter systems who counseled and programmed us did not know about this relationship. We kept it a secret. It went on for a couple of years and then disaster occurred. A pregnancy came out of it and our little body could not endure it so the baby was expelled and died. Everyone found out what had been happening and we almost died from blood loss as well. This was all kept a secret of course, like everything else, but we were punished badly for not informing those in charge of us that someone was making unauthorized advances toward us.

Along with this experience the Counselors were gradually hinting at a future purpose for us that we did not like. It involved Eliana never marrying or having children. It involved her and us both never having our own lives. Through these experiences we inside learned an important truth. These people we were surrounded by were full of lies and did not mean for us to ever have any kind of life we chose. At this point the strongest of us inside got together and decided we had to get out of this nightmare. We had to escape or we knew we would die or go insane. One night at an outdoor ritual around a fire we became someone else and  ran. Escape was born and we sent her to the surface to take over in host/everyday life and get away from these people, whatever it took.

Escape and us were the ones who caused the running away, but that didn't work. Then we tried desperately to find a man to hook up with so we could get out. We did find one and moved out of the house. Our mistake that time was that we stayed in town. The cult there caught us multiple times and every time the punishment for leaving our mother's house and avoiding the rituals and other gatherings was more severe. Eventually they forced us back into our mother's house, but that didn't last long. We were determined to have our own life so we pushed Eliana to get pregnant deliberately. We pushed and pushed to escape that town, and later that state. When the first marriage didn't work out and we met the next prospective husband we grabbed onto him fast because he wasn't one of them and seemed to really love Eliana and seemed to be willing to do anything for her. In every decision we made we had to move fast so the bad people couldn't stop us. The key was in Eliana learning something before the Oz people did. If she already knew about something or had made a choice herself they couldn't intervene a whole lot without alerting her that there were parts of her life missing. She could under no circumstances learn she had other parts or learn there were whole parts of her life being lived that she didn't know about. That was the key to their control of us but it took years to figure that out.

So we pushed to move out of state to get away from the groups and abusers, but the abuse just followed us across the country. For years we tried to avoid the abusers and ignore their demands but they eventually always boxed us in and forced us to perform whatever horrible thing they wanted. By now we had children to protect and the abusers used threats to the children or the husband to get us to cooperate. We no longer cared about our life, if we lived or died, but we cared about the husband and children and wanted to protect them so at times we did what the abusers wanted.

Eventually we had tried everything we could think of to escape the abuse but nothing had worked. But there was one thing missing. The biggest factor in our continuing abuse was that Eliana did not know what was going on. She was the one who was conscious in the body the vast majority of time. If we could get her on board, could she help us avoid these people and navigate to safety? We decided that was the only thing left so we had to try. We led her step by step in the discovery of us. The first year she was aware of us we were punished badly. The Counselors and Doctors did everything they could to stop us from talking to her and to stop her from pursuing knowledge about us. They brought us all to a point of breakdown and then convinced Eliana to take drugs to silence our voices. It worked and we continued to be used for nefarious purposes, but we just bided our time and watched. Eventually Eliana got stronger and so did her desire to find us. She never forgot us. She stopped taking the drugs and started reaching out to us and we reached back. I was chosen to be the liaison for the systems in the effort to get out. I led her to information online where she could learn more about what was going on. I talked to her in the journal and let others inside talk to her to convince her that we were real and that this abuse was real. We showed her more recent memories of the abuse so she would know that this was not something just from childhood but something going on in the present day that needed to be escaped.

We were caught and severely punished during this year of awakening once. After that enough of us came together inside to avoid being taken again. We were not going to stop, no matter what they did to us. But we were surrounded by danger and really wanted to get to a brand new place. Sure the abuse could follow us to a new place, but we had the advantage of Eliana now knowing and us processing the memories now and a new group in a new area would need to take time to build the structures around us to make us trapped in abuse once again. It was our hope that we could move faster through recovery and unraveling the programming then they could move to entrap us.

When Eliana met the man who offered to help her escape and work through all of this I suspected highly that it was a trap but we went out to him anyway and decided to take a chance and move there. My fears and suspicions were realized as it turned out that this man was connected to a new network who just wanted to use us in new ways. This man pretended to walk Eliana through the journey of recovery and discovery of her hidden past but his true intentions were being hidden. I knew it and whenever he would lead her to make a wrong conclusion I would correct her later. I also played many parts during the time he was working with her, going by many names and answering his many questions with misleading information so that he would not dig deeper and believe things about her, us, and our origins that were not true. I had to protect what was truly inside until we were all safe. Only then could the truth come out. So we worked with this man and his people for a while, while at the same time leading Eliana to learn more and more about us and how things worked in the network and within. Eventually this man and his group caught on to the fact that I was obscuring things and misleading them and they got angry and abandoned Eliana entirely. This was for the best as we just powered on and Eliana discovered more and more about us and we were in turn able to teach her how to keep herself and all of us safe.

It was during this time that the walls separating all of us inside from each other became more and more transparent and we could share our experiences more and more. The more we shared, the closer we became until we started to blend into each other becoming less and less numerous inside. Parts have been coming into me gradually and I've shared things I've learned from them with Eliana and her and I are getting closer and closer till we hope one day we will be one person.

Nowadays we are united in purpose with becoming free and safe, but also in reaching back to others to help them to freedom also, giving them insights from our own discovery process. That is why we are writing this right now and why we have this blog. We now realize that we were no one special except for one thing: we were able to split into different parts within one mind. If we are targeted by abusive groups now it is for this one reason. As long as we have parts inside who can have things happen to them that Eliana and I don't know about we won't be safe. Even people who are one self aren't entirely safe, we know, but they are safe from the kind of abuse we have endured. We would rather suffer together and conscious, and remember it the next day than be amnesic and forced to be silent.


Anonymous said...

thank you for ur courage n resilience.i'm from ore n my "mother"worked in a mental hospital till I was 3,at 4-5 spent a time(not sure length,week at least less than month)with my intergenerational pedo father learning/visit(training with older sister n brother) n then not sure how long between,mother's intergeneration pedophile father visit/grooming/violating,only glimpce of those times,ur story rings so close,crying ,hard to breath as I read.i have always been told I was pre-ordained n special ,n have been recovering weird not always sensical memories since I moved n quit drinking n no contact with anyone from past,never understood y i'm so freakin weird n broken.alice in wonderland was always "my"story of my life.52 n feel like barely lived some days n others feels like i'm ancient.again bless u.peace

Eliana Hephzibah said...

Hello. Thank you for reaching out in response to my story. This is a healing thing. I'm sorry if this story traumatized you. I hope the crying was a good and healing thing. I haven't been writing on this blog for a long time, but I am still here. We are still working toward full integration and wholeness. I think it will take the rest of my life, frankly. God bless your continuing journey.