The Outside Story

My history was full of lies, I have found through this long and painful journey I've been on. So in sharing who I am, I can only give my latest working theory as to my story. This outside story is the story of Eliana, the one in this system of selves who was originally born into this body and who carries the birth name. As it happens, Eliana lived life on the outside and until the age of 35 did not know her consciousness was shared by other parts of herself , living parts of her life which she was amnesic to. So here is the story of the One Who Didn't Know.

Eliana was born and raised in the Rocky Mountains of the USA. She grew up in a broken home with two sets of parents between whom she was forced to divide her time. She hated going to visit her father because her stepmother was cruel and her father weak. Her mother and stepfather grew to resent her over the years, it seemed, and by adolescence Eliana was so full of constant pain she thought about ending it all through suicide constantly. The only people she felt loved by were her older sister, who left home and the state when Eliana was 10, her grandmother who died when she was 9, and her aunt who lived far away.

She had constant social problems, unable to make lasting friendships. She didn't know what all caused the extreme pain but she knew it stemmed from her family. As the years went by all she could think about was escape. She wanted to get away from her family and the small town she was raised in. She first ran away by hitchiking far away but was brought back. Then she dropped out of school hoping to escape her family through a romantic relationship but that failed too. Finally she got pregnant on purpose and the father of the baby felt responsible and married her. This did not end the pain however. It only created more. She wondered why she had so much pain and such a need to escape. She felt like she was this puzzle with missing pieces.

She decided around age 19 that there were things in her past that she didn't remember. She had a couple of flashes of scenes she remembered from young childhood that looked suspiciously like her father may have sexually abused her. She had emotional and mental collapses that would send her to counselors and she would tell them about her background then tell them there must be things that were blocked from her memory but no therapist would help her with the missing pieces.

That first marriage ended in divorce and right after she met another man who adored her. He would do anything for her and she thought that marrying him would resolve her pain and unhappy feelings she was plagued with, as well as the constant need to flee. They married and she had another baby and talked him into moving far away to satisfy her need to get away from her family and the place she grew up. After she moved away the pain, suspicions of missing abuse, and nightmares only increased. Eliana educated herself about what signs of past abuse were and all of them fit her. She became obsessed to find out what had happened to her. During that time she began to remember incidences of very strange sexual abuse of her by her stepmother. She remembered her abusing her and her stepbrother together. In the next couple of years she began to relive episodes of  sexual abuse by her father as well. She wrote to her father and stepmother telling them of her suspicions and they responded by trying hard to convince her that her suspicions and memories were false.

Once Eliana experienced a few of these horrible memories she decided she knew enough and decided to just put it behind her. She started going to college and put all of her thought and energy into it, which worked for four years. While she was in the most intense part of nursing school her mind seemed to start unraveling and she suffered extreme and constant anxiety and depression and eventually wound up in the psych ward of the hospital for two months having completely fallen apart. The nightmares of rape were extreme during this time and she relived rapes over and over. Her mood swung all over the place and she was diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar depression and made to go to therapy and take lots of drugs. She was glad to finally figure out what was wrong with her but things proved to not be that simple. Medication would not make the phantoms of abuse go away. She would be going about her business and then be suddenly ambushed and thrown into some dark past of humiliation and sexual violence. Memories of very strange and sadistic abuse by her stepmother came back to her, like being tied to a bed and strangled almost to death, and being shown a book of gory crime scene pictures and told that was how she would look when her stepmother got her way and was done with her. Still, Eliana believed the end to these memories had to come in the next couple of years and she was eager to put it all behind her.

Instead things became more and more complicated. When Eliana was 35 years old she cut off her relationship with her father and stepmother formally and entirely. Within a month of doing this she read a book about dissociation called Stranger in the Mirror by Marlene Steinberg. By the time Eliana was done with the book and took the mini tests in it she was very suspicious that in reality she had the disorder of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). This was because of her subjective symptoms and experiences that were dissociative in nature. Before that time she had thought of DID as a disorder that one knew they had if they suddenly "woke up" in another town not knowing how they got there, or if one found clothes in their closet they didn't remember buying, or called themselves by other names. She had none of these experiences, yet the array of dissociative symptoms were very present and severe. She went to her therapist and requested an official test for DID called the SCID-D. By the end of the 3 hour long test she was officially diagnosed with DID.

It was only after accepting that DID was what was truly going on that parts who were within her started showing themselves to her, talking to her and telling her their names. She had seen one of them frequently during therapy in the couple of years before the diagnosis but didn't know that this mysterious girl was a real, separate part of her. She thought the girl she saw was some symbolic construction of her imagination. She knew when the girl first started to show up that the girl's name was Gatekeeper. She always had a stern look and stance, was dressed in black leather and was always standing in front of a big gate, the kind one might see at the entrance to an old cemetery. She would ask her therapist if this girl was a part of her and if that meant she had multiple personalities, but her therapist had no real training or experience with the treatment of DID so she would always say she didn't know but that we would follow wherever this experience led.

That first year after being diagnosed with DID Eliana met most of her presenting system, who she had created to help her with everyday life. Gatekeeper turned out to be a part who guarded little parts to keep them from getting out and causing Eliana to act "crazy". It wouldn't do to act like a little kid, but to act like an angry adult was a different story. Gatekeeper was angry all of the time. Then there was Escape who was the one who ran away from everything difficult. She was the one who was created to push Eliana to run constantly from her family. Barbara was a red haired vixen who handled everything sexual. Trudi was the studious one, and Miriam was the mom and homemaker part. That first year she had so many parts show up and many just could not handle her job as a nurse and sabotaged it, leading other parts to cut up Eliana in the shower and it was to the hospital again. The doctors in the psych ward gave Eliana medication to make her parts quiet and this worked quite well. This bought her some needed time to get strong again on the outside, but eventually she knew she needed to face whatever was inside of her so she stopped the alter blocking meds and started writing in a journal. She started by just writing her inside parts a letter telling them that she was ready to hear their voices and to help bear whatever they had held for her.

After about a year of talking in her journal to a few of  her parts, some whom she knew from before and some new ones of various ages, a new part made a connection with Eliana and with her she was able to see a whole internal landscape. This new part, calling herself Becky started to show Eliana some of the inside and all she saw had a dark, ominous, spiritually esoteric quality. There were structures like thrones and temples, a graveyard and an underground labyrinth-like prison and names like The Dark Ones and Hecate. Eliana herself had once read some New Age books and dabbled in some New Age practices but she had no memory of anything in her past this dark and strange. It frightened her and gave her a feeling of doom that it was looking more and more like there was some hidden ritualistic abuse in her past. She kept talking to parts and letting them talk and her journals became ever more bizarre and dark with parts talking about rituals and blood, and pyramids with numbers associated with them. Parts started leading Eliana to places online in their efforts to show her what had happened to them. She found herself on websites having to do with the Temple of Set and other websites with stories from survivors of not only ritual abuse but laboratory style mind control experimentation as well. She found the footprints of this kind of mind control experimentation within her internal landscape and types of parts.

Within a space of a year (2005) the Wall dividing Eliana from a whole array of internal systems of parts arranged according to role and categorized by color started to explode. She reached out for help from her therapist and from people she found online but hardly anyone seemed to understand how to deal with this kind of history. During this time she began to be aware of active stalking going on around her. Strange men and women followed her and harassed her children. Black cars showed up waiting and watching. People followed her and took pictures, skulked outside her therapist's office, caused her parts to switch out in stores and threatened them with being put in a psych hospital or harming her children. By the end of the year enemies seemed to be closing in on her everywhere and she fled across the country to a man who promised to help her "deprogram" and become free. By then she was remembering having been part of  networks of groups who abused her for all sorts of dark purposes. She now realized what she was running from all those years ago. She also realized that even though she moved far away the abuse followed her as she had been part of a national network of organized abusive groups who exploited her DID to cover their own crimes and to force her to do things she would not remember later. They kept her amnesic with sexual abuse, terrible threats to her husband and children, and with forced drugs and electroshock. She remembered all sorts of normal seeming people who were involved in this network: pastors, psychiatrists, lawyers, teachers, friends, and her own parents including her mother. The abuse had not stopped at age 9 when she met God, like she thought. She had been surrounded by it and was still deep in it.

She put herself totally in the care of this stated expert who she thought could help her and then started a three year relationship where many memories came out but she was subtly steered to contextualize all of her memories to fit around a life story that said that she not only was born a year earlier than she thought, but her parents weren't her real parents, and that she wasn't even born in the US but in the UK and was the secret daughter of royalty. She was also urged to find her "core" or "original self". These experts taught her that the original self was always buried and that her "host" self who lived life was only another alter. She had many parts who willingly went along with this ruse, whether they were programmed to believe it to begin with, or whether they went along with it now to keep this man and others from discovering the deeper truth within remains a mystery to this day. She worked very hard to find the "core" and wound up finding core after core after core. Suffice it to say, the man who had sworn to see her through this to the end suddenly ditched her for unknown reasons after three years of work together.

In the following months different parts started to emerge who showed Eliana memories of this man who was supposed to help her, but they included a whole group of people in this new place who had been seeking to simply reprogram her to suit their needs and further exploit her parts in a new group or groups and and give her parts new jobs. Gradually she came to realize that she had been lured to this new place and all that happened in these counseling sessions was efforts to create a new layer of programming that would nestle all of her memories within a false story of who she was. This was only so that the mind control abuse could continue and hopefully she would be fooled into believing that she was done with her discoveries and would put her past behind her.

Once again her parts came to the rescue and for whatever reason this new group dropped her and in the following years a true understanding of her history began to emerge and parts began to merge and blend with her gradually adding their egos to hers. She discovered the biggest secret of all, that SHE, Eliana was the original self all along. She was the core all of her parts were arrayed around and she was who they protected. This discovery sped up her progress toward healing immensely.

Since then she has been becoming One and is now working on primary fusion and integration with the part of her who first split off from her to handle the abuse, the part of her who is mother to all of the systems who came after. This part was named Alice for the girl in the Wonderland story. The whole of the internal world was to be Wonderland and the space between Eliana's consciousness and the consciousness of the alter systems was called The Rabbit Hole and maintained via horrible spiritual rituals,.drugs, and electroshock.

At present (January 2013) we are still We but there are less of us and we are learning more and more of our whole true history, not just the host tale which this page here speaks of.

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