Monday, May 07, 2012

She's A Quantum Enigma

This is a term I have recently begun to apply to  myself. It is an expression of how I have come to see myself, through and through. 

quantum  (ˈkwɒntəm) 

—  , pl -ta

a. the smallest quantity of some physical property, such asenergy, that a system can possess according to the quantumtheory

b. a particle with such a unit of energy
amount or quantity, esp a specific amount
often used with a negative ) the least possible amount thatcan suffice: there is not a quantum of evidence for youraccusation
something that can be quantified or measured
modifier ) loosely, sudden, spectacular, or vitally important: aquantum improvement
enigma  (ɪˈnɪɡmə) 

— n
a person, thing, or situation that is mysterious, puzzling, orambiguous

Inside I am split into a minutiae of fragments and pieces of self, each containing its own energy- the energy produced through the formation of memories and which continues to live within the mind. Those pieces are carefully stored within millions of containers within my mind in a very deliberate, albeit subconscious process. Many are locked and I do not have access to them. Many others are now known. Others still are becoming known and slowly clearing in my vision, similar to the process of focusing a lens of some type. I think of these things as the quanta that comprises my mind and self.

All of this sums up to much of myself being an enigma to the self who sits out here, on the outside. I am like an archaeologist, anthropologist, a psychologist, and a teacher unto the rest of myself. Most of me I fail to understand. What I can understand I have trouble living with and being at peace about.


Runaway said...

Finding oneself is one of the most difficult feats any human undertakes.

Finding yourself after others have intentionally fragmented, and in effect "hidden" you from yourself is an even greater challenge. Thank you for your writing - it's encouraging knowing I'm not alone. Keep it up! :)

Eliana Hephzibah said...

And thanks for your reading! The last couple of years I have begun to really find myself and understand who I really am under all of that construction. It is scary and exciting at at the same time.