Monday, February 14, 2011

Healing of Memories: Stage I: Listening

Healing of Memories: Stage I: Listening
Healing of Memories: Stage I: Listening by ElianaHephzibah on
I have had a serious phobia of dental procedures all my life. Consciously, I have always remembered being very resistant to local anesthetics and so was subjected to terrible, painful procedures while our family dentist ignored my pain. But I always knew inside that there was more... much more.

As an adult, I was so terrified and paralyzed by the idea of dental procedures that I avoided them until I had to have major work done. In order to have the work done I had to have strong doses of tranquilizing medication just to be able to go, and had to have additional nitrous gas to be able to withstand any procedure.

To my regret, I also was unable to provide the dental care my own children needed because of this terror and paralysis.

When I entered into serious recovery work around my own extreme abuse that had come to light, I was forced to deal with this issue when I yet again, needed a major procedure. When this crisis manifested itself, I could not even look for a dentist to take care of me without crying, or becoming totally blank and numb, and feeling suicidal. But by this time, I had finally acquired some tools to deal with my internal dissociative world and the memories my internal selves contained.

Upon looking within, I first found child parts who could not speak. In fact, they could not open their mouths. Through writing, they recounted to me a horrible trauma.

They remembered that bad people had filled our mouth with a swarm of biting ants and made us swallow it. I relived their memory of the intense oral pain and the vomiting and forced swallowing that we endured. The parts who carried this memory believed it was done to them to make sure they could not "talk" or "tell" what had happened to them.

This was the first stage of healing from the extreme abuse I endured: listening to the story. I didn't judge or disbelieve, just accepted it as it came but also didn't declare it "finished".

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