Wednesday, March 31, 2010
In ancient Israel there was the custom of the scapegoat. This was a ritual where the elders of the community would select a goat and would lay their hands on its head to transfer the sins of the community onto the goat. Then the goat would be set loose into the desert, never to return carrying the sins of the community away.
This is what my community of origin and family of origin did to me. I am the only one who bears witness to the terrible crimes committed against me and others in that supposedly pristine mountain community. I was made to bear the ultimate burden of the sin of incest and made to keep silent about it all these years. In this way, I was literally made the scapegoat. And for my honesty I was cast out as unacceptable.
When the time is right, the sins of that community and that family will be exposed for all to see and they will be lifted off of me.
Monday, March 29, 2010
This set came from a dream I had recently. In the dream, I was beside a leafy tree underneath which there was an area of bare dirt. On the dirt were all of these earthworms of various sizes. Some of them were very huge, for worms. There were so many I was panicking and trying not to step on them. Some were above ground and some were coming up from underground. Some were trying to go back underground and I was frantically trying to help them by breaking up the soil and digging little holes with my hands.
I don't think the dream is hard to interpret at all. Most likely, the worms represent sexual abuse by men. The fact that some were on the surface and some were coming up were representative of the memories which have already surfaced and been worked with and have largely lost their power. I think the bigger the worm, the more of a threat the memory it represents is perceived to be by me. Also, it is telling me that there are things that are emerging to the surface that I don't want to know or deal with and so I am trying to "rebury" them.
And all of this action is happening under the shelter of a leafy tree. Maybe this symbolizes growth and life and also that the worms are originally around the roots of the tree but are now emerging onto the surface, as in going from the subconscious to the conscious mind.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
This must be an important set because I've deleted two previous versions accidentally. The title comes from some work I was doing around this issue I am currently working through. A part inside said this to me once regarding my family.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
It wasn't a magic box. It was nothing but a shiny gloss over an ugly scar. The lie was that I was somehow "special" and above something so base happening to me. We thought our position made us somehow immune. But we are still human, in spite of all of the inhuman things done to us. The ugly human reality occurred and was hidden forever in the attic of my mind... that is, until now. I need to see what is in the box even though I want so so much for it not to be true. I was alone and left to deal with the undealable.... as a child... alone.
The cats are a sort of totem... something that gives me comfort and courage. I just needed to put something comforting in this lonely place.
What will I find in the box? I want to see. I don't want to see. I want to know. I need to know. They say it doesn't matter. Its all "in the past", or "it never happened", "you are crazy". Am I? Will I find out how special and chosen I really was? Will I find out what terribly important role I was to play in the tapestry of history? Will I find that I know things no one else knows? What will it say about me?