Monday, February 01, 2010
The Music of the Spheres
The other day, a very terrible memory of group sexual abuse was creeping into my consciousness and I was struggling to accept it. I was feeling the contamination of it and realizing that I am less dissociated now.
I saw a child inside, encased in a bubble. The bubble is there to protect me from the contamination of what the child had to do. I realized that there is this kind of compartmentalization all through me. Bubbles floating in a sea of dissociation, their toxic contents contained away from consciousness so that they cannot hurt. Only... this strategy is not perfect, nor is it permanent. Their effects leak out. They leak to the surface as pain, fatigue, depression, anxiety, etc.
The two main groups of dissociated parts inside that I have the hardest time dealing with and who are firmly encased in bubbles are sexual parts and child parts. They contain feelings and memories that I don't want to face. But many of us inside realize that we must. To be safe and whole we must look at them, accept them, allow the bubbles to dissolve and their stories woven into the tapestry of story that is our life.