Monday, February 01, 2010

The Music of the Spheres

The other day, a very terrible memory of group sexual abuse was creeping into my consciousness and I was struggling to accept it. I was feeling the contamination of it and realizing that I am less dissociated now.

I saw a child inside, encased in a bubble. The bubble is there to protect me from the contamination of what the child had to do. I realized that there is this kind of compartmentalization all through me. Bubbles floating in a sea of dissociation, their toxic contents contained away from consciousness so that they cannot hurt. Only... this strategy is not perfect, nor is it permanent. Their effects leak out. They leak to the surface as pain, fatigue, depression, anxiety, etc.

The two main groups of dissociated parts inside that I have the hardest time dealing with and who are firmly encased in bubbles are sexual parts and child parts. They contain feelings and memories that I don't want to face. But many of us inside realize that we must. To be safe and whole we must look at them, accept them, allow the bubbles to dissolve and their stories woven into the tapestry of story that is our life.


Shamai said...

Pretty amazing work, and understanding of what you are experiencing. Polyvore is such a wonderful tool for expression.

Anonymous said...

I can very much relate to what you just shared here. You gave voice to something that is so hard to speak of. I struggle with this every day of my life. Thanks again for saying the hard things.


Anonymous said...

Your courage to face the unfaceable and your spiritual strength are an inspiration to me. God bless you.


Vague said...

thank you for sharing this

Exhale said...

Amazing work...I can totally relate to what your sharing. May God continue to unfold His truth before you.