Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Woe To You, O Kansas!



Woe to you, O Kansas
I know your deeds
It will go better for Sodom and Gomorrah in the Day of Judgement than it will for you.

You clean the outside of the cup, but inside you are a whitened sepulcher, full of dead men's bones and decay.
Your polished words and fake smiles won't fool anyone anymore.
Behold, judgement is coming!

Furious angels, their wings outspread,
fly swiftly to bring freedom to the captives
To make the blind see and seeing eyes blind
Scores of eyes have seen all that you have done and you will not escape.

I will leave that place, Kansas
I will go forth with the Light of Knowledge and Truth raised high. The Secrets will be revealed on Earth, as they are in Heaven.

The Alpha and Omega rides swiftly to bring me hence and I will cry no more.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Space Between



The Rabbit Hole connects left to right. The rainbow is the bridge you cross to get from one side to another.
Being inside the rabbit hole is like being inside insanity itself. It is pure hell and you can't get out fast enough.
Will we have to go back through if we move to the center, from which all things originated?

Walk on the Right



The right side is far more attractive than the left, its true. This is where the highest developed alter selves live. They see themselves as far removed from abuse, as every unpleasant thing they have endured, seen, or done is rationalized by dogma.

This is where the programming is expressed and roles held. I've spent far more time traversing this side, simply because it is more interesting. On this side I am special.. a princess even. On this side, I matter. But for what purpose? We have begun to ask.
Do we exist on this side for ourselves? Was this what we chose, or did others choose for us? What now?
Is all that we know a lie.... an illusion? What was real? What was a trick? We feel we must have answers before we abandon this place.

Walk on the Left Side



The left side is where we were not special... we were just convenient. We were smart...enough... We wanted to matter and everything in this world screamed that we didn't. We were a rag doll to be thrown in the corner... and picked up when some practical use was conceived for us.

The Left Side knew... they always knew. They refused to be totally silenced. They bore the pain so the rest could live an illusion.

Robbed.... robbed of our identity. Robbed of our memory... robbed of everything. Why? Was I that ugly?... or was I that pretty? No, not pretty... little... dirty... bad... Worthy of BAD attention. Only worthy of fake specialness.. illusion.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Wet Cement

Recently I finally put many pieces of memory together which were all part of a major chain of events that happened in my life which I have been working on for many years. This year was the first time that I had been able to take the accumulated pieces and assemble them into a narrative in order to understand what had happened to me to create the effects that I kept suffering. The purpose of this hard work is to move the memories from the storage containers they stay in, in the subconscious part of my mind, and put them into my conscious mind so I can integrate them into the story of my life and history.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Story Behind The Stories

Genesis to Revelation is the continuing story of humankind's birthright, which he was tricked into relinquishing, and the Valiant God who through love has orchestrated a grand plan to win it back for us. The Evil One who offered humankind Knowledge on a grand scale (explicit), in exchange for their partnership with him (implicit), had launched a plan of outright rebellion before humans even existed. For some reason I don't understand, God allowed this evil being to roam the Earth and deceive our first parents. But, nonetheless, God has orchestrated a program of redemption for us that is progressive, moving through the ages and eras.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Montage



The set is a depiction of the many flashes, internal parts, and effects of a central trauma from my life. Getting all of these pieces, and putting them together into a cohesive narrative has been the task of several combined years. It must have happened between February and May because that is the window every year where pieces of this come out and intense processing of the event occurs. This year I have finally put the main pieces together. There were many splits around this trauma and I have depicted some of the parts formed here. This was a way of coping with the event.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Scapegoat



In ancient Israel there was the custom of the scapegoat. This was a ritual where the elders of the community would select a goat and would lay their hands on its head to transfer the sins of the community onto the goat. Then the goat would be set loose into the desert, never to return carrying the sins of the community away.

This is what my community of origin and family of origin did to me. I am the only one who bears witness to the terrible crimes committed against me and others in that supposedly pristine mountain community. I was made to bear the ultimate burden of the sin of incest and made to keep silent about it all these years. In this way, I was literally made the scapegoat. And for my honesty I was cast out as unacceptable.

When the time is right, the sins of that community and that family will be exposed for all to see and they will be lifted off of me.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Emerging From Underneath



This set came from a dream I had recently. In the dream, I was beside a leafy tree underneath which there was an area of bare dirt. On the dirt were all of these earthworms of various sizes. Some of them were very huge, for worms. There were so many I was panicking and trying not to step on them. Some were above ground and some were coming up from underground. Some were trying to go back underground and I was frantically trying to help them by breaking up the soil and digging little holes with my hands.

I don't think the dream is hard to interpret at all. Most likely, the worms represent sexual abuse by men. The fact that some were on the surface and some were coming up were representative of the memories which have already surfaced and been worked with and have largely lost their power. I think the bigger the worm, the more of a threat the memory it represents is perceived to be by me. Also, it is telling me that there are things that are emerging to the surface that I don't want to know or deal with and so I am trying to "rebury" them.

And all of this action is happening under the shelter of a leafy tree. Maybe this symbolizes growth and life and also that the worms are originally around the roots of the tree but are now emerging onto the surface, as in going from the subconscious to the conscious mind.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Shh... There's Bats in the Belfry



This must be an important set because I've deleted two previous versions accidentally. The title comes from some work I was doing around this issue I am currently working through. A part inside said this to me once regarding my family.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Hope Chest



It wasn't a magic box. It was nothing but a shiny gloss over an ugly scar. The lie was that I was somehow "special" and above something so base happening to me. We thought our position made us somehow immune. But we are still human, in spite of all of the inhuman things done to us. The ugly human reality occurred and was hidden forever in the attic of my mind... that is, until now. I need to see what is in the box even though I want so so much for it not to be true. I was alone and left to deal with the undealable.... as a child... alone.
The cats are a sort of totem... something that gives me comfort and courage. I just needed to put something comforting in this lonely place.

Beware The Magic Box



What will I find in the box? I want to see. I don't want to see. I want to know. I need to know. They say it doesn't matter. Its all "in the past", or "it never happened", "you are crazy". Am I? Will I find out how special and chosen I really was? Will I find out what terribly important role I was to play in the tapestry of history? Will I find that I know things no one else knows? What will it say about me?

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Hopeless Wishes



Today is the first anniversary of my father's death. I was not there. I was forbidden from being there to punish me for standing up for the truth. But he died a long, long time ago. What happened last year was only the death of the last, hidden vestige of hope.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Middle Place



Tonight, the eager audience will be graced with the presence of the Archangel Michael. But here 'you' are, waiting in the middle place; a place of Nothingness. And the terror you feel is myriad: What if I never am allowed to return? What if I am stuck here forever...here in this Netherworld? Is this what Hell is... a vast Nothingness?

Every time I perform this role, I die. And when I return, it is to a hollow, polluted “container”; a place of only temporary existence. When I return.... if I return.... I may be told what took place while 'I' was gone, or I may not. In truth, I have learned not to really care. I just want it to stop.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Falling Awake From Amnesia



When trauma has been dissociated during childhood, it surfaces usually in adulthood, beginning as dreams that continue with snippets of memory...much like a puzzle. Nights become entrenched with viewing and feeling the fear seeping through. This is an attempt to reflect a typical night for someone with DID as memories begin to process.

Thank you, Grace, for putting these truths into art we can relate to.

The Rainbow Coalition

Monday, February 01, 2010

The Music of the Spheres



The other day, a very terrible memory of group sexual abuse was creeping into my consciousness and I was struggling to accept it. I was feeling the contamination of it and realizing that I am less dissociated now.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Thoughts on Integration

I am going through a process of gradual integration of my poly-fragmented, highly structured DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) systems. In a discussion about this topic with other survivors the question arose as to how it is possible to integrate thousands of parts. It is true that highly structured systems do contain this many different parts of selves. The following may help people comprehend this seeming impossibility as well as to help survivors to work towards resolving this extensive fragmentation.