Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I Dreamed I Saw A Great Wave...

This quote, said by Eowyn in the film version of the Lord of the Rings, is actually said by the character Faramir in the books by J.R.R. Tolkien. Tolkien stated that he included this dream in his books from his own personal experience which was also passed on to his son. Both father and son had dreams of great waves of destruction, what Tolkien referred to as his "Atlantis Hauntings".

"This legend or myth or dim memory of some ancient history has always troubled me. In sleep I had the dreadful dream of the ineluctable Wave, either coming out of the quiet sea, or coming in towering over the green inlands. It still occurs occasionally, though now exorcized by writing about it. It always ends by surrender, and I awake gasping out of deep water. I used to draw it or write bad poems about it."
– J.R.R. Tolkien, Letter 257

I too have had these dreams of great waves on more than one occasion. I personally feel they are portents of things to come; maybe not literal waves, but something overwhelming just the same.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Dark Ones

This is a depiction of the first time I knowingly made contact with my internal cult created alter systems and associated internal landscape.

The woman in the collage is a representation of Becky, whose name was later changed to Rebecca. She called herself a "system liason". A kind of forward ambassador whose mission was to break through to me and start to make me aware of my true history that was split off from my awareness.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Grace's Abode

Many persons with complex DID have internal landscapes that are created in the mind to be able to hold parts and feelings and places that are too much for a child to deal with.

This is part of mine.

Grace was found to be residing in a replica of Glastonbury Abbey which was surrounded by a deep, dark forest in which many feelings were free-floating and suspended.

Grace's role is what therapists have called an "internal self helper". She holds much wisdom and faith and knows much, if not all about our collective history, parts, and systems.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I Won't Back Down

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
you could stand me up at the gates of hell
but I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
and I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin' me around
but I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down
No, I won't back down

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Monday, May 11, 2009

Living Life Behind My Own Back- Home By The Sea

I've been realizing lately that as a person with a fragmented and externally sculpted identity (I've begun to refer to my disorder as "designer" DID), my insiders (alter selves) have been trying to communicate their plight to me for years. I heard them, but didn't understand the message back then. I just knew I was drawn to certain songs that I listened to over and over because I knew they contained a message to me. Now I am beginning to understand.

One such song is "Home By The Sea" by Genesis. I was drawn to this song way back when I bought the LP record in 1983. Now I understand how it was giving voice to other parts of me trapped in a shadow world and unable to escape. I lived this way for 39 years before finally waking up and leaving the nightmare.

This collage is an image of my life trapped in that reality. It is best viewed while listening to the song that inspired it. I would suggest opening another tab and listening while looking at the collage. [The lyrics follow the collage, below]

Home By The Sea

Creeping up the blind side, shinning up the wall
Stealing thru the dark of night
Climbing thru a window, stepping to the floor
Checking to the left and the right
Picking up the pieces, putting them away
Something doesnt feel quite right