Tuesday, November 24, 2009

2009 Smart-Talks Online

This years SMART conference presentations are up online. All you have to do it go to the url below, and click "play" on the talk/talks you want to listen to:


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Yes Nostalgia

Not all of my memories are terrible. Here is a collage about one of my fondest memories. It was my first concert experience. I was 16 years old and actually was most interested in and bought tickets to see the opening act, which was Berlin. I took my sister and sadly, Berlin didn't show. At the time, all I THOUGHT I knew of Yes was the currently popular song, "Owner of a Lonely Heart". My older and wiser sister told me that I would surely love what was coming and that I would recognize many Yes songs.

Boy, was she right. Yes absolutely took my breath away. It was the first and best to date concert I have ever seen or experienced. They are beyond compare.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

In Memoriam

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


This is the story of the life of one of my alter selves, now integrated. Her name was Escape, and escape was what she was all about.
One dark night, while being made to attend a ritual gathering in the woods, she decided to see what would happen if she just faded slowly into the darkness step by step. As she slowly faded back into the darkness, no one noticed her. In fact, before this, this was one of her greatest pains; that of being invisible. Well, now she would use that to her advantage and once completely cloaked in darkness, she made a break for it and ran, and ran, and ran through the dark woods to the safety of her own home and bed.
She would pay for this transgression, but keep running she did. She ran away by hitchhiking, but was caught roughly 1,500 miles from home, and sent back. Still she kept running and would never be ignored again. She ran through drinking and smoking. She ran through outright rebellion. She ran until the truth was known, and there was safety and no reason to run anymore. Now she rests within.....

Sunday, October 18, 2009


This collage is about the year my life exploded and I woke up from a nightmare that was being lived by me. It was outside of my awareness, but no less real. I went into the year with emerging alter selves who spoke of sinister things suggesting that I was subjected to much more than "regular" family sexual abuse, but something much more organized. During the ensuing unfolding of what had been my history, I became aware of having been used in local cult networks and the identities of some of the perpetrators. Things became very dangerous for me very fast, and by the end of the year, I was fleeing for my life across the country to start entirely over.

I am no longer the person who went into 2005.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

When The Bough Breaks

This video says it all about what is my life and experience. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could retreat into the comfort of insanity, but I cannot. I cannot because it is real. It is my life. Now I am trying so hard to become One. Only in becoming One can one be safe from living a double life behind one's own back...

Never Again

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I Will Go Before You

Isaiah 45: 2-3

2 I will go before you
and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.

3 I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

This set depicts my whole soul/mind/spirit. The lower portions are the most trapped and young parts, and furthest back in time.

The top half is present day and the hard work of the adults in our system enabled by God to bring progressive truth and knowledge to all of us and to continually invite God to "go before us" down to the depths of my self and bring revelations of truth to places I don't even know about yet.

He is doing it.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Kid Tested, Government Approved: MKUltra and Various Similar Atrocities

This set is based on an actual memory I have of being taken to a room like this one in a building that was set up like a barracks or a school by family members. I suspect it was on a military base.

A doctor with a German accent came in and handed a leather shaving bag to the two family members present. The bag was full of money.

He then took me into another room where it became easier to become a rag doll than to ever be a little girl again.

After that was yet another room and being filmed in a vile movie. At the end of the long, terrible night I was given some lollipops and the picked up by family.

I was around 3 years of age.

Monday, September 07, 2009


I don't know why it took me this long to put this on here, but in honor of my precious daughter visiting, I thought I would post this wonderful artistic expression of a multiple, through the eyes of her child:

(Click on the images to read more clearly)

This creation has been online for the last few years on my daughter's deviant art site. See more of her art here.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Blue World

Heart and soul took control
Took control of me
Paid my dues spread the news
Hands across the sea
Put me down turned me round
Turned me round to see
Marble halls open doors
Someone found the key
And it's only what you do
That keeps coming back on you
And it's only what you say
That can give yourself away

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Poor Little Alice

This set is about just dawning understanding of all that Alice in Wonderland programming entailed. It was programming driven by set ups that caused one to be very confused and terrified as to what was real and what wasn't.

What made it worse is that all through the terror and agony that were very real, all of the adults were saying it was just a dream, that none of this was real. How you wished it were so, and eventually you just caved and chose to believe them, sentencing all of the memories into the dark and seemingly forgotten abyss of amnesia.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Hollywood MK Deception #1

From the author/compiler of the video series:

"Compilation video of an assortment of images from occult Hollywood. Hollywood itself is based upon the wood of a Holly tree used for magical/ritualistic purposes and is said to have the ability to hypnotize, mezmorize an entrance viewers. This is an expose on the "stars" that are really from highly abusive backgrounds and multigenerational incestuous families later sold into slavery. Project Monarch is that slavery that binds the minds of actors/actresses/ musicians and other public personages in order to instill ideas within the populace."

There are twelve videos in the series and there is some good info there. I say there is good info in terms of general awareness. I don't think anyone can "prove" that these Hollywood people are indeed programmed. I confess I have not made a thorough study of it.

I can testify to the reality of color and jewel programming, since it has been placed within my own systems, and those of many other RA/MC survivors I know of personally. I have found that the significance of the colors often varies from group to group, region to region. Each survivor has to find out how it applies to them personally. This info is only a general guide.

For a menu of all of the videos in the series click here.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Saturday, August 15, 2009

What Happened to Me?

By: Seth Age 8

One night in early 2005, before I had any memories of ritual abuse/cult abuse, I was at work and suddenly a show came on the TV and broke through to my conscious awareness. The man on the show said, "Satanic Ritual Abuse does exist and I am going to prove it to you right now..." When I heard that, I just froze and could not move. After a few minutes I was able to woodenly put my hands over my ears and walk out of the room. I stood in the hall like that for a little while, but when I took my hands off of my ears, I could still hear the TV talking about this terrible subject. My hands came up over my ears again, but this time, panic took over and my legs propelled me down the hallway, not under my own control. As I was running down the hall, I began sobbing uncontrollably, but didn't know why. A disconnected part of me watched what my body and emotions were doing and experiencing with horror and confusion, not understanding what this was all about.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

The Magic of Cosmic Ascendancy

A divided mind....divided existence and awareness. Three levels... hell, ordinary, and heaven. The method? Down, down down...Sexual abuse and forced dissociation in "hell" which is under the house. Tell the hurting child to "go toward the light", and "go to heaven". "Nobody wants to stay in hell, do they?" Up, up, up...You leave that place of torment out through the top of your head and find yourself freed.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Reminder: I have another blog too!

Just letting readers of this blog know that I have another blog called Journey Through The Dark Night. It focuses more on spiritual topics and encouragement for the journey. It has been kind of dormant for a while but I am beginning to do more with it lately and plan to do more. Check it out!

Update May 14, 2011: I'm planning to morph both blogs into one, so plan for posts of the other blog to find their way over here. Stay Tuned.

The Counterfeit Trinity

Truth #1: This "trinity" does not really exist. It's all Satan

Truth #2: The "lightside/darkside" barrier does not really exist.

This is to illustrate how Satan tries to counterfeit and mirror the Trinity of God, Son, and Holy Spirit.

While these spiritual "truths" are not true at all, it is how the Satanic Kingdom presents itself to the human race. There is truly something here for everyone but the bottom line is that it is all enslavement.

There are groups that revolve around each of these aspects of the Satanic trinity. Ritual abuse survivors coming out of these groups commonly have this lightside/darkside dichotomy represented in their minds and internal systems if they are DID.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Once And For All

I used to be so triggered by blood that I shied away from this concept regarding Christ. I think blood trauma was intentional conditioning to keep me away from this connection. I am being healed. It no longer makes me shrink. It brings freedom.

I saw this picture and thought that being wrapped in a glorious and elegant red flowing dress might be a more welcoming picture and concept for survivors of ritual trauma.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Trusting Jesus For Memory Recovery

This set represents an experience I had at the beginning of my memory recovery journey. It was in 1991 and the first memories of abuse were beginning to emerge in fragments. I was agonized over not being able to remember what had happened to me.

Saturday, July 04, 2009


I have found many "legends" inside which each tell a different story about who I am and where I come from. Which one is the real me?

Update May 14, 2011: I have since come to realize that the presence of these "legends" inside are fingerprints, if you will, of being used in government black MKULTRA type programs. The assorted alphabet organizations used children to hone their skills and techniques of training of agents who were to be used in international espionage. These "legends" which are life stories had to be made real for these agents to keep them safe. We were used to perfect those techniques.

True Nature of the Father of Lies

My husband came up with this picture of who Satan really is when he is speaking his threats and lies to us from the shadows. They seem real and scary because we do not see the truth of who he is... The Father of Lies

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I Dreamed I Saw A Great Wave...

This quote, said by Eowyn in the film version of the Lord of the Rings, is actually said by the character Faramir in the books by J.R.R. Tolkien. Tolkien stated that he included this dream in his books from his own personal experience which was also passed on to his son. Both father and son had dreams of great waves of destruction, what Tolkien referred to as his "Atlantis Hauntings".

"This legend or myth or dim memory of some ancient history has always troubled me. In sleep I had the dreadful dream of the ineluctable Wave, either coming out of the quiet sea, or coming in towering over the green inlands. It still occurs occasionally, though now exorcized by writing about it. It always ends by surrender, and I awake gasping out of deep water. I used to draw it or write bad poems about it."
– J.R.R. Tolkien, Letter 257

I too have had these dreams of great waves on more than one occasion. I personally feel they are portents of things to come; maybe not literal waves, but something overwhelming just the same.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Dark Ones

This is a depiction of the first time I knowingly made contact with my internal cult created alter systems and associated internal landscape.

The woman in the collage is a representation of Becky, whose name was later changed to Rebecca. She called herself a "system liason". A kind of forward ambassador whose mission was to break through to me and start to make me aware of my true history that was split off from my awareness.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Grace's Abode

Many persons with complex DID have internal landscapes that are created in the mind to be able to hold parts and feelings and places that are too much for a child to deal with.

This is part of mine.

Grace was found to be residing in a replica of Glastonbury Abbey which was surrounded by a deep, dark forest in which many feelings were free-floating and suspended.

Grace's role is what therapists have called an "internal self helper". She holds much wisdom and faith and knows much, if not all about our collective history, parts, and systems.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I Won't Back Down

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
you could stand me up at the gates of hell
but I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
and I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin' me around
but I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down
No, I won't back down

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Monday, May 11, 2009

Living Life Behind My Own Back- Home By The Sea

I've been realizing lately that as a person with a fragmented and externally sculpted identity (I've begun to refer to my disorder as "designer" DID), my insiders (alter selves) have been trying to communicate their plight to me for years. I heard them, but didn't understand the message back then. I just knew I was drawn to certain songs that I listened to over and over because I knew they contained a message to me. Now I am beginning to understand.

One such song is "Home By The Sea" by Genesis. I was drawn to this song way back when I bought the LP record in 1983. Now I understand how it was giving voice to other parts of me trapped in a shadow world and unable to escape. I lived this way for 39 years before finally waking up and leaving the nightmare.

This collage is an image of my life trapped in that reality. It is best viewed while listening to the song that inspired it. I would suggest opening another tab and listening while looking at the collage. [The lyrics follow the collage, below]

Home By The Sea

Creeping up the blind side, shinning up the wall
Stealing thru the dark of night
Climbing thru a window, stepping to the floor
Checking to the left and the right
Picking up the pieces, putting them away
Something doesnt feel quite right

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover: When The Heart Cries By Cindy Woodsmall

The old addage "Don't judge a book by its cover" certainly applies very literally to this work of fiction. I read this book because it was the selection of the month for a book club I recently became a part of. Honestly, because of the cover and the description on the back I thought this would be a lot of idyllic utopian meanderings filled with Christianease. But an open mind won over the cynicism, and the first few pages did feel like things were going that way but then....

All I will say is, boy was I wrong! This book is gut wrenchingly intense and deep. I am a survivor of the major traumas described in this book and I will say, the author really knows what goes on in the minds, bodies, and souls of victims of these terrible kinds of events. She describes the feelings that are experienced with harrowing accuracy. Because of having suffered these same things myself, this book was very difficult for me to read but it was also very therapeutic, helping me connect with emotions I had walled off. While this is not fun, it is a necessary part of the healing process.

This book is the first in a trilogy and it is a good thing because the story is not wrapped up at the end. I ordered the next two when I was about halfway finished with this one and am awaiting their arrival.

I want to offer my deep gratitude to Cindy for being a voice for those the world would rather not acknowledge. One reviewer on Librarything commented with skepticism that the events in this book were unbelievable and unrealistic. How I wish that were true but while they may be extreme I and others know they are not far fetched. I and other extreme abuse survivors stand as witnesses to sadly testify that there are those of us who have been through all of these things and more.

Buy the books new or used here:

When The Heart Cries (Sisters of the Quilt book 1)

When The Morning Comes (Sisters of the Quilt book 2)

When The Soul Mends (Sisters of the Quilt book 3)

Saturday, April 04, 2009

The Importance of Being Redeemed

This collage is a counterpoint to the Importance of Being Purple collage.

They thought the programming was untouchable but it wasn't. Jesus conquers all and is leading me to freedom.

"There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still." ~ Corrie Ten Boom

The Importance of Being Redeemed
The Importance of Being Redeemed by ElianaHephzibah on Polyvore.com

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The Importance of Being Purple

Mind control programmers organize alter systems according to color, and each color has specific jobs, roles, and identities. In some survivors, these colors are matched with gems. So in my system, purple is represented by Amethyst. What I am understanding about what purple means in my system is that it has to do with royalty, bloodlines, identification with immortal beings such as the Fae, in my case.

The Importance of Being Purple
The Importance of Being Purple by ElianaHephzibah on Polyvore.com

Monday, March 30, 2009

Guest Collage Showcase: Wolves in the House

Today I am featuring a collage and accompanying comments from a fellow ritual abuse survivor. I wanted to showcase this collage because it speaks to something that is very important for people to know, especially churchgoing people. I can attest to the fact that what LJ Homesteader testifies to is happening. I can attest to it because I was once involved in the orchestration of infiltration of the Christian church by occult groups.

Wolves in the House
Wolves in the House - by LJHomesteader on Polyvore.com

Most people may think the concept of cunning evil people sneaking into a Church presenting themselves as good would be like a tall tale best read to children before tucking them in. (Or perhaps not, if the child was very sensitive!) But the truth is, this is exactly what happened to our church....

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Ancient Celtic Faith

Ancient Celtic Faith
Ancient Celtic Faith - by ElianaHephzibah on Polyvore.com

I look back today to all of the Celtic Saints who went before and brought Christ to the Celtic peoples. They are my heritage, and their faith is my heritage. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Government Exploitation

Government Exploitation
Government Exploitation - by ElianaHephzibah on Polyvore.com

How dare a government exploit it's civilians and pose as rescuers. The skeletons are bursting out of the closet.

But we are free.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Safe and Sound: A Video Letter To My Sister

When one speaks up about having been abused, the family system often exiles that member. This is what happened to me and as such I was deprived of the "normal" ways that people grieve, socially. I did not have a last visit or conversation with my dying father, nor will I attend the funeral. In truth, the only thing there is to grieve is that which I never had.... a healthy relationship with a father who cherishes you for who you are and basic safety. I am glad to stand up for truth and I forgive my sister for her choice not to do that all of these years. This video is my expression of this forgiveness.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Circle Game

The Circle Game
The Circle Game by ElianaHephzibah

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
Were captive on the carousel of time
We cant return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Polyvore: A Site For Creativity... That and How I Met God

God Calling
God Calling by ElianaHephzibah

A friend sent me a link to this site today. Polyvore is a site that is great for creating digital collages straight from the internet. You can select and save images from around the web and assemble them into a canvas.

This is my first experiment with this site. It is a picture of how I first met God. I was 9 years old and on a school field trip. I kept hearing the command, "Pray!" in my head so I went over to a little grove of aspen trees, knelt down and what looked like a sun came from far away, and as it got closer and closer I was engulfed in light, warmth and total love. I knew it was God and it felt like "home". He told me I was chosen by him, that I had very important things to do, and that I needed to find him and get to know him. That started be on the Great Adventure which is still continuing today. Since that moment, I have never had a single doubt in my mind that I belong to him and that when I die I will go to be with Him.

Later on, when I doubted the reality of the experience, I saw a bible reference on a bookmark with my name on it that someone had given me. I looked up the verse in my bible one day and this is what it said:

23 As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given, which I have come to tell you, for you are highly esteemed. Therefore, consider the message and understand the vision:~ Daniel 9:23