Saturday, November 05, 2005

Winterborn (This Sacrifice)

I was watching the DVDs from one of the worlds best ministries to persons with DID and ritual abuse survivors, last night. The ministry is called Restoration in Christ. In one of the DVDs, Diane Hawkins, who is also a ritual abuse survivor with DID, was talking to survivors about what it takes to heal. She talked about ego strength, and the fact that some survivors did not have enough of it to make the difficult and couragous journey to healing. It is easy to go to therapy, but being committed to healing, to confronting the truth, the denial, and the dissociation, and all it entails, is something else.


This is from RCMs manual to the seminar entitled:

Restoring Shattered Lives

Motivation

**Only when a survivor truly undertands what is involved in order to become whole, can she evaluate whether wholeness is worth the price to her. It's easy to want the benefits of wholeness, but that wholeness will only come with a price.

We have to ask ourselves:
Are we willing to....

A.) Go through intensive and extensive therapy?
B.) Go through the discomforts of change?
C.) Face and own the painful memories and the intolerable emotions?
D.) Embrace our entire history and what that means regarding our:
1. identity?
2. image?
3. family?
4. worldview?

BOTTOM LINE

"The survivor must find some reason for pursuing wholeness that surpasses the advantages she perceives in remaining divided."

THE GOOD NEWS

"When you bring God into the process, He usually has a powerful way to change perspectives and eliminate the intolerable element of the avoided reality."

I have thought long and hard about this. The truth is, I made my choice a long time ago. I am a person of truth, no matter what that means, or what it costs. When I chose that path, I took the "red pill". I went "down the rabbit hole". I can never go back. Things will never be the same. Now, I truly feel like I am living in the Matrix. I see the inner workings of the world that the majority of people either are ignorant of for lack of knowledge, or choose to be ignorant of, for lack of courage. What is really going on is scary as hell, and if people don't wake up soon.......

It will be too late.

The courage conflicts that I have to face and ask myself are:

Am I willing to:

*Relinquish control.............and risk vulnerability?
*Overcome fear of its implications.............and dare to embrace and own truth?
*Relinquish my cherished image of myself...............and embrace a new image?
*Let go of a dissociated way of life..............and embark on a new, unknown way of living?

and last but definitely NOT least..........

Am I willing to:

Walk bravely in the face of the terror and threats of the cult..........and trust God with my life?
AND
Confront the spiritual forces of darkness...............................and trust God for victory?

Whenever I think about how I am going to answer all of these questions and challenges, a song always answers this for me, and challenges me to a higher purpose. It embodies my reasons and motivation for pursuing healing and truth.
It is by our most beloved Goth band, the Cruxshadows, who we saw in concert last week for, I think, the fifth time!

The song is called "Winterborn". I was telling a friend the other day, how this song spoke to me, and she asked me what "Winterborn" meant. I think, as with a lot of art, it holds different meanings for different people. For me, "Winterborn" means, being born of the Winter. It is the coming into this life into both cold and seemingly dead circumstances. It is being born in a time where the Earth is in the icy grip of a virtual Winter. Whether we are aware of it or not, we in a time of frozen deadness. We are surrounded by seemingly dead hearts and spirits. We are all plagued by so many problems and demands, that feelings are much of the time, casualties of the unseen war raging all around us. It is a battle for our hearts and minds, and sooner or later, we will be called to take a stand.

Being "born of the winter" also means to me, strength. It is being made of the stuff that survives cold, and want. It is being able to survive, under the surface, and wait for a time, where the warm life-giving sun will again return, and bring us to life, and make us bloom. It is being able to withstand harshness and shadow, to fight and live with the knowledge that life comes after death; warmth comes after the cold; growth comes after latency.

So, here are the words which, every time I hear them, remind me of my motivation, and why I am fighting this fight:

Winterborn (This Sacrifice)

Dry your eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride
For heaven shall remember the silent and the brave
And promise me, they will never see, the fear within our eyes
We will give strength to those who still remain

So bury fear for fate draws near and hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt a better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember, and avoid our fate.

And in the fury of this darkest hour we will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice and I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith is come that I have never known
I hear the angels call my name and I am Winter born

Hold your head up high-for there is no greater love
Think of the faces of the people you defend
And promise me, they will never see the tears within our eyes
Although we are men with mortal sins, angels never cry

So bury fear for fate draws near and hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt a better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember, and avoid our fate.

And in the fury of this darkest hour we will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice and I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in God that I have never known
I hear the angels call my name and I am Winter born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
I will be your light
A lifetime for this destiny
For I am Winter born
And in this moment...
I will not run, it is my place to stand
We few shall carry hope
Within our bloodied hands

And in our Dying
We're more alive-than we have ever been
I've lived for these few seconds
For I am Winter born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be the light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in man
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

Within this moment now
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter born

And in my dying I'm more alive, than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice for I am Winter born

Cruxshadows Official Website

**Hawkins, Tom R., Phd and Diane W. M.A.- Restoring Shattered Lives
Copyright 1995-2003 Restoration In Christ Ministries

Many Thanks Tom and Diane and.........

The Cruxshadows

Severina

10 comments:

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Sally said...

Severina -

I am feeling somewhat numb just from reading your article "Carousel" .......... but you brought it all back to such hope with:

"I know that this all sounds like an unbelievable experience, but here it has been described enough to get some idea of what it is like to live through these things. The good news is that no one is trapped, ultimately. That message is a lie and all part of the illusion. If one keeps pressing on, and searching for truth, they will see their way out, and one by one, the tormented alter personalities can reconnect with thier true history and identity, and learn that they do not have to be slaves to evil puppetmasters, and healing can slowly occur. It is long and difficult, but it can be acheived."

God bless you for so courageously living "forward" from your own painful experiences. Your words will help so many ...you are such a warrior!!

With a Full Heart,
Sally

Anonymous said...

This is a great article, I really loved reading it. I like your view on the meaning of the word 'winterborn'and I can agree with it.

CXS <3

mondo said...

The more I read, the more I feel I might have attacked you a bit. Sorry about that. I am just truly suspicious amongst the sites I visit as I know they are heavily infiltrated by various handlers and the handled. I am basically new to this subject in comparison to some known to be aware and still kicking after 26 years (E. White)

There were a couple of paragraphs here that made me feel like I was reading my own thoughts and experiences. And the timing is rather spooky. I'll say spooky because I just can't bring myself to use the word "coincidence" anymore. "they" have bastardized that word, just like "freedom", "liberty", and "democracy" mean something completely different.

Isn't it amazing to us red-piller's how in your face it is these days? It really is all the science fiction of our youth come to life... i.e. Planet of the Apes, War of the Worlds, Star Trek, etc. )

mondo said...

What I meant by "timing", which I didn't really explain, is when you wrote this, November, I was experiencing the exact same thoughts in many ways. Hence not wanting to use the "C" word.

Anonymous said...

Fine insight on the meaning of "Winterborn" in the context of the song. Thank you for the enlightment!

Daniella Walker said...

I came across your article while actually searching for the lyrics to 'Winterborn'. You touched my heart with your words, and I thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

I am a victim of a violent act when I was 13 years old, and I always believe the girl I should have been died that night. The strength I've held myself up with is a difficult emotion to describe.

Thank you again, I look forward to reading more of your articles.

With love and respect,
Daniella (Nella)

Eliana Hephzibah said...

Nella, This makes me so happy! I grieve the fact that you have suffered violence and violation, but I am thrilled to have brought you some hope. This is what I live for. Thanks for letting me know how this post ministered to you.

kr said...

How are you so bold to talk about this? My life is crazy enough without my family freaking out on me. I feel like a warzone inside and at times just wish a bomb would go off and end it all. I am receiving the help of a wonderful person and God is working. Some days...it is just a lot.

John said...

Good personal interpretation of the word Nella. However, the original meaning behind the term "born of winter" is a bit different. Those of us who have PTSD as our earliest memories, the children who were born to abusive parents, or were unwanted, and were thus punished for it, are "Born of winter":
"Dry your eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride
For heaven shall remember the silent and the brave
And promise me, they will never see, the fear within our eyes"

Take the "dead hearts" part of your interpretation and insert it here. Those who are winterborn often then attempt to compensate for the (perceived) inadequacy by becoming heroes and sacrificing themselves in service of others:
"And in the fury of this darkest hour, I will be your light.
A lifetime for this destiny, for I am Winter born. And in this moment I will not run, it is my place to stand. We few shall carry hope
within our bloodied hands."

Thus our lives often lead to one pivotal moment of greatness when we make the ultimate sacrifice:
"And in our dying we're more alive than we have ever been.
I've lived for these few seconds,
for I am Winter born."
AND
"Within this moment I am for you, though better men have failed.
I will give my life for love,
for I am Winter born."

Also be sure to look up the Illiad and the Odyssey. "For of all of the Illium who took Troy, the most fell were those Born of Winter" (slightly paraphrased)