Saturday, September 10, 2005

My Sabbatical

To All,
I have been convicted of some things today, and recognize the need for a drastic change in focus in my life. Things with me have gotten out of control, and I feel as if I am on a runaway train. I have spread myself way too thin, and am becoming less and less effective in all areas. I guess you could say that I have way too many irons in the fire.

Lets see if I can sum up:
*I work full time as a hospice RN
*I have three children, one that I am homeschooling for the first time.
*I have a husband who walks through these dark hells with me, and who shoulders all of the everyday necessary stuff to keep life and the household going, and whose needs, I ashamedly admit, I neglect.
*I am in therapy twice a week, and am working on developing internal communication and cooperation, as well as understanding and dismantling programming.
*I am trying to extract myself from what remains of my extended family.
*I am on two very active survivor email lists.
*I obsessively research on the internet, literally for hours, given half a chance, printing out material way faster than I can even read it. I have literally thousands of pages of info yet to be digested that I have compiled in the last months and keep aquiring more.
*I maintain writings on two blogs.
*I correspond with many friends privately through email.
*I have a few 3D friends, that I never make the time to be with.
*I go to church every other Sunday, and am committed to singing on the worship team.
*I pop in and out of various forums and post sporatically, and they keep multiplying.
*I try to journal as part of my discovery of my system and growth, but am sporatic at that too.
*I have a whole comprehensive DVD set teaching the best techniques for dealing with DID that I have come across yet, and have only scratched the surface of the study of them.
*I have RN continuing education in my field that I am neglecting to do.
*My diet is terrible, I hardly eat. Its like an annoying neccessity.
*I am neglecting general spiritual growth disciplines like bible study, growth, and prayer.
*I get virtually NO excercise.
*I don't know when the last time I actually read a novel was.
*I have stopped going out to gothic clubs, which I used to love to do (I love the dramatic atmosphere, dressing up, the music, the people).
*And lately, I have gotten this crusading, activist drive and have begun a campaign to educate the world about ritual abuse, by contacting different ministries, talk shows, and organizations. (This one has just begun. I wrote one letter to a mega church in Colorado Springs a week ago, and have been all bent out of shape that I haven't gotten a response.)

Actually this last one was the clincher, and a little bell went off in my head that I am WAY out of control. Ecclesiastes says that there is a time for everything and everything in its time. After serious reflection, and OMG seeing that whole list, I am flabbergasted at the pandemonium my life has become. I am totally out of control, and need to be held to account. I have decided that I need to narrow my focus to a few things right now.

I need to focus on my internal discovery and growth, through spending time getting to know insiders, journaling etc
I need to focus way more energy and time on my family and child's education.
I need to discipline my spiritual practice to become stronger and better equipped to fight the enemy, both spiritual and physical.
I need to spend time and energy on those that I have developed friendships and connections with to give and get support.
I need to maintain my profession.
I need to just relax, and allow myself to lighten up and have some fun and escape sometimes.
I need to TRY to learn to live a more healthy life. (actually, this one is the hardest. I find self care to be one of my greatest challenges.)

So, here are the changes I am making:

I am changing my group status to read only, where I can go to the group site if someone alerts me that there is something that I should be aware of or help with. If the groups don't allow this, I understand and will just unsub.

I want to keep and maintain the wonderful support network that I have gathered, both friends from these groups, and in real life. I don't want to cut myself off from anyone. I still need you. Please, anyone feel free to email or IM me privately, I will welcome it.

I am maintaining my blog and my writings, and with cutting things down, they will actually be more prolific and powerful. I have so many great, inspirational and profound ideas marching around in my head, but have been spread so thin, that I haven't had time to put them into creation. So please, bookmark it and visit often. This is one of the most therapeutic things that I do and it gives me great satisfaction to edify, educate, inspire, and encourage others. It makes all of the suffering worth it.

I am concentrating on one forum only, our churches, because through that, I can hopefully make an impact more locally. I was convicted of this yesterday after visiting the forum after months of putting it off and procrastinating, and lo and behold, there was a post from just a few days ago, from a really hurting ritual abuse survivor. I was astounded and thrilled, and poured myself into encouraging her.

I'm going to spend more time researching homeschool and educational resources to guide my daughter through her education, instead of endless compiling of info on ritual abuse and programming. I will research something specific, if I need more info, or get stuck in my internal work.

I'm going to try to learn again how to maintain health and fun, and to hopefully work through my blocks in practically running my everyday life. I'm going to try to help and support my husband instead of just sucking him dry.

I am going to keep working, since it is not just a job to me, it is a ministry also.

and last but not least: I am finally and boldly going where I have not dared to go.........inside. The answers are there, I know, and the truth is, I am scared to death of them, but, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

I realize that now is not the time for me to be a crusader for "the cause". The truth is, I am still too easily triggered, too programmed, and have much to understand before I will be effective in this capacity. There is a time coming in the future, where the focus will shift more to this, and when it does..............
All I have to say is, Watch Out All You Luciferians. I will be on the war path. But, first I have to complete basic training.

Please, don't be strangers, follow my blog, if it is helpful to you, and stay safe. I don't know how long this will be, but I am going into serious monastic mode and seeking God's direction, and assistance.

I love all of you,

Join me on the journey


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Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that your commitment to your own healing is really inspiring. I wish you all the best.