Sunday, July 24, 2005

Trusting Jesus For Memory Recovery

Back in about 1992 when I first started dealing with the abuse, I really had no memories. Just a lot of signs and symptoms of having been sexually abused. Plus I had this sense of incompleteness, like there was something I didn't know always nagging at me. I hated waiting for flashbacks for memory fragments to pop up. Once, I got fed up with waiting for the memories and decided to utilize some of my self hypnosis techniques from my days involved with the New Age movement. I totally relaxed my whole body and then imagined walking down a flight of steps to a basement while counting backward from 10. This is standard practice for hypnosis.

I got halfway down the steps in my minds eye, and suddenly Jesus showed up in front of me, blocking my way. I then became a little girl and began throwing a "temper tantrum", beating on Him with my fists and wanting past Him, wanting to know. He stepped aside a little so that I could see past Him to the bottom of the stairs. The stairwell was dark and at the bottom was a door which was closed. There was light coming from behind the door through the crack around it. When I looked down there a feeling of fear came over me. He asked me how I felt when I looked down there and I told Him that I was scared. He asked me if I wanted to go down there now by myself, or if I wanted to trust in His timing and that when I was ready, He would take me down there. I broke down crying in His arms and said that I didn't want to go with out Him. I said that I would wait for Him even though I wanted to know so badly what had happened to me and who did it. Since then, I have trusted in Him and His timing for the memories, and I am glad, because they have been worse than my deepest fears. Sometime last year when He was preparing me for the knowledge of the DID, I had another vision of being on the other side of that door with Him in blinding light. Now the door stands open and we go there together periodically. Ironically, now He has to drag ME there. I hate memory recovery now and wish it would end. I feel like I know enough but there always seems to be more. And I know that it is important to be bold enough to go there with Him, because it makes things in my life now make more sense and why I act and feel the way I do. Having the memories actually gives me empowerment in my life. I remind myself that I already lived through it, so it won't kill me to remember. I don't go digging for memories anymore but just accept them as they are ready to come. However, it takes a while of fighting through my defense mechanisms for them to surface sometimes.
So all of you struggling with memory recovery, take heart, relax, let God bring things in His timing, and pray for confirmation of the truth and against the enemy's deception. Don't jump on a fragment right away and try to "figure it out". Just let it unfold as it will, don't read into it, and trust yourself and your gut feeling about it, in my experience, it usually proves right.

Walk in the light bros and sisses,

This was originally written 9/2002.

I thought the memories were beyond anything imaginable then? This was before I knew anything about the ritual abuse or programming. I look back and see how much God knows and how much I have to listen to him, and wait on him. If I had ignored him, and been able to access everything at once way back then, I would not have been able to bear it. I would have had to self destruct. Even now, I don't know everything. I don't know when it will end. Will I be getting back memories for the rest of my life? I don't know.
I pray every time something new comes, for God to guide me into all truth. I have to believe that he honors this prayer.



Sally said...

I am weeping openly ...... in sadness and pain over what I just read ....... and in absolute awe of the goodness of our Savior, Jesus Christ ...... The picture you painted for me with your words will stay with me forever. God Bless you with complete recovery and abundant life on this side of eternity. May you dwell in the Kingdom of God (righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit) and sit in the lap of our good Father, in heavenly places, together with Christ Jesus, where you may enjoy Him, and He may enjoy you forever ..... this is the prayer of my heart for you.


Severina said...

Thank you so much Sally. May God richly bless you as well.