Friday, July 22, 2005

Anger And Retribution

[This is a repost from a while ago. This blog was hacked and this post and another were deleted. Apparently someone is threatened by what I write and doesn't believe in the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution.]

1 The LORD said to Moses, 2 "Say to the Israelites: 'Any Israelite or any alien living in Israel who gives [a] any of his children to Molech must be put to death. The people of the community are to stone him. 3 I will set my face against that man and I will cut him off from his people; for by giving his children to Molech, he has defiled my sanctuary and profaned my holy name. 4 If the people of the community close their eyes when that man gives one of his children to Molech and they fail to put him to death, 5 I will set my face against that man and his family and will cut off from their people both him and all who follow him in prostituting themselves to Molech. Leviticus 20:1-5

Who is Molech?

As I have been putting together the pieces of my history in the last months, I have often been overwhelmed with rage at everything that happened to me and at the people who put me in harms way. Often too, I have a rage at society in general for choosing to stay blind to the horrors that are going on all around them. Child abuse, ritual abuse, child pornography, child prostitution and many other abominations visited on children are all too common and these things proliferate in part due to the blindness and apathy of the public at large.

One might read the above passage from scripture and not see any relationship to the present day. After all, who is Molech anyway? Nobody worships Molech nowadays do they? That was a long time ago, but we are more rational now, aren't we?

I never thought that I would ever find anything very meaningful and applicable to the present day, or to me personally in the Torah/Pentateuch (The first five books of the Old Testament). I was wrong. When I ran across this passage a couple of months ago, I was very moved, and surprised at its relevance to me and also to the society at large.

My parents may or may not have literally worshipped Molech, but they participated in some sort of occult religion, and I was made a sacrifice to that evil. I don't know at this point what they were promised in return. Was it money, status, power, or a combination? Whatever they were promised, it must have been irresistable for them to hand over their child to programmers. Perhaps they were told that I was special, that I had innate abilities. Perhaps they were told that I would be trained to be great and powerful in the coming New Age. Whatever the facts are that surround these events, the effect was that I was dedicated to/baptized into demonic worship, and handed over to "caring expert trainers". These "trainers" used trauma based mind control techniques to create splitting and more splitting of my personality, to create systems of alter personalities, and to create a vast inner landscape in my mind. The purpose of this was so that they could "program" (really just a form of classical reward/punishment behavioral conditioning) the newly created alters to serve whatever purposes they desired. Some were programmed as internal controllers of programs. Some were spiritually trained in occult practices and knowledge. Some were programmed for some future job or purpose. Some were programmed to keep track of time and make sure things happened according to schedule. One was even created as an actual clone of the real programmer, an internal representative of him, so that I would carry him with me forever and would always know that he was there, watching me, controlling me. The possibilities are endless. So far, I have discovered in my inner landscape, a graveyard, a Golden Hall, a temple, an underground labyrinth, a ruined abby, a vast forest, a chapel, a meadow. Some of this was created by them and some by me. Its the same with the alters. The original splitting/dissociation was caused by them, but the skill was learned by me to use as a coping mechanism. As I encountered other traumas along the way, another "person" was created to hold the experience or to do a skill so that I wouldn't have to remember, or participate in the abuse.

So, here I am, fractured almost infinitely it sometimes seems, and have been remembering the trauma gradually for the last 16 yrs. The introduction to a whole new system of alters who had been buried deeply in my mind called "The Dark Ones", started last December, 2004. This new system carries the memories of Satanic Ritual Abuse, and Programming. It has felt like someone has dumped a huge puzzle out in front of me which represents my whole life. All of the pieces are upside down and I am only allowed to pick up one piece at a time. I can examine it as much as I want, but by itself it makes no sense, so I set it aside and pick up another piece. Eventually, I find pieces that seem similar and some of them fit together and gradually the picture is created. The maddening thing though is that I don't have a finished picture on a box lid to refer to.

So, lets get back to the bible passage. I have been so angry at everything that I have been subjected to in my life, and have asked "Why, God?" "Do you care?" When I read this passage, it was so clear how angry God was at this practice of sacrificing one's children to demons (because lets face it that is exactly what is going on here). I read the passage out loud with all of the dramatic passion that is evident in the words. I realized that God was furious with my parents for sacrificing me, but also, and this is really important, He is equally furious with those that stood by and didn't "see". He is just as angry at those who choose not to look at the "unpleasant" realities of what is happening to children. In fact, he holds them in account, the same as if they had committed the act themselves! All of the people in my life who have discounted, minimized, rejected the testimony of the most abused and wounded people in our land are responsible for the continuation of such practices. Those who claim that Satanic Ritual Abuse does not occur, that claim there is no evidence, who claim that it is all a modern "witchhunt" are as surely on the road to hell as fast as the cultists themselves. Here are a couple of choice quotes which speak to this by Ayn Rand:

The spread of evil is the symptom of a vacuum. whenever evil wins, it is only by default: by the moral failure of those who evade the fact that there can be no compromise on basic principles.

Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982), Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal, 1966

The evil of the world is made possible by nothing but the sanction you give it.

Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982), Atlas Shrugged, 1957

I and others like me are getting nothing out of saying these things. We are speaking out so that these terrible things will stop, and so that others who are caught up and still victim to it may be set free, and may from our example, summon the courage to be silent no more. There is no personal benefit to us to say these things, in fact, standing on our recollections, and breaking the silence has cost us relationships with people that we love. We have no reason to fabricate these things, and believe me, some of the information and memories that have come to light, well....lets just say, that maybe I am a creative person, but definitely could not, in my wildest of imaginations have come up with these things. I haven't read about them someplace, I haven't read it in books, or heard about the specifics from other survivors. And, the claims that therapists have planted these "false memories" in our minds, is the worst and lamest kind of claim there is. What possible gain would a therapist have to risk his/her license and livelihood to convince a person of all of these hideous details? Those that promote the farce of "false memory syndrome" are either perpetrators trying to deflect responsibility and maintain their "good reputation", or people complicit with the lie to avoid seeing something that they don't want to see or deal with. Either person is equally responsible, and God will in return "set His face against him and his whole family".

The subject of forgiveness is a whole discussion in itself which I won't really cover here, but seeing how God feels about this issue and hearing His promises to deal with those responsible, takes me one step closer to being able to acheive that miracle. For now, it is comforting to know that the God Of The Universe feels the same wrath that I do, that He truly cares about what happens to us, and doesn't forget.

Neither will I.

June 2005


Anonymous said...

Exellent and very powerful post! Thank you. How ever I want to warn you about the teachings of Ayn Rand, shes high cult and was a mistress to one of the "top dogs" while writing the esoteric Atlas-book. Just wanted to warn you of triggers in it. Take care and thank you for sharing.

Eliana Hephzibah said...

Thanks for the comment. I am not a follower of Ayn Rand at all. I've never read any of her books and see many problems with her theories. I picked these quotes out of a whole list of quotes on the subject of evil, I believe. I wrote this about 9 years ago now also, when I was first coming to awareness of the hidden side of my life.