Saturday, November 05, 2005

Winterborn (This Sacrifice)

I was watching the DVDs from one of the worlds best ministries to persons with DID and ritual abuse survivors, last night. The ministry is called Restoration in Christ. In one of the DVDs, Diane Hawkins, who is also a ritual abuse survivor with DID, was talking to survivors about what it takes to heal. She talked about ego strength, and the fact that some survivors did not have enough of it to make the difficult and couragous journey to healing. It is easy to go to therapy, but being committed to healing, to confronting the truth, the denial, and the dissociation, and all it entails, is something else.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

On Truth And Family Legacy

This writing came out of an email reply to a survivor friend of mine, who was asking for advice about how to handle her children’s negative feelings about her decision to separate from her family of origin because of ongoing problems, stemming from years of sexual abuse that she endured at the hands of her stepfather, and her mother’s lack of protection, even though she knew about the abuse, but chose to blame the victim, which, unfortunately often happens in these sorts of families.

My Personal Passion Story

A friend and I were talking and speculating about headaches in people with DID, and various explanations for them.

As far as head phenomena is concerned; that is what brought all of this to the surface about a year ago. Last year, this time, I only knew that I was DID, and of the abuse occurring at my dad's house. Sometime in November, I think, I started to have this weird head/body thing. Its hard to explain, but it would suddenly feel like my brain was physically shifting back and forth very quickly in my skull. At the same time, I would hear inside my head, a zapping noise, sometimes, not always, and also shooting numbness/tingling down my right arm/hand. It would happen quickly, and afterwards I would feel dizzy and off balance for a little bit. When it happened over and over, I would eventually feel very dissociated/depersonalized, and nauseous.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I Will Not Be Broken

I have recently been hearing the new song by Bonnie Raitt. I confess, she has always had a lukewarm reception from me, as I don't run in the Country/Western vein of things. I will say this, though. Every song I've heard of hers on the radio, I have enjoyed; just not enough to go out and buy one of her albums.........
until now.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

My Sabbatical

To All,
I have been convicted of some things today, and recognize the need for a drastic change in focus in my life. Things with me have gotten out of control, and I feel as if I am on a runaway train. I have spread myself way too thin, and am becoming less and less effective in all areas. I guess you could say that I have way too many irons in the fire.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Chilling Reality

I wrote this back in the beginning of May [2005], the day after my daughter's attemped abduction. Since then, I have noticed so many stories in the news media about abduction. I don't know if it is happening more, or if I am just noticing it more, because of what happened to us. I would welcome any insights.

It was the hallmark event for an extremely tumultuous month, where I hung on for dear life, and thankfully made it through a much stronger person. I posted it back then on live journal, but I thought I would put it here. It stands as a reminder of the reality of this situation, and the war that is underway.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Thoughts On The Meaning of Family

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

In the wake of my Declaration of Independence from my family of origin, I have been faced with the question of just what defines the nature of the family.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines family this way:


1. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.
2. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.
a. All the members of a household under one roof.
b. A group of persons sharing common ancestry.
c. Lineage, especially distinguished lineage.
d. A locally independent organized crime unit, as of the Cosa Nostra.
1. A group of like things; a class.
2. A group of individuals derived from a common stock: the family of human beings.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

A Personal Declaration of Independence

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for an individual to dissolve the familial bonds that have connected her to them, and to assume among the peoples of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that she should declare the causes which impel her to the separation.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

A Gothic Treatise

OK. Here we go. This got pretty long. I guess it a treatise of sorts, so I think it covers the subject pretty well. Any questions are always welcomed.
We got involved in the Goth scene in 2001, after we had a bitter falling out with Vineyard. Not that one caused the other, it was just that we had totally wrapped ourselves around church, only hanging around church people, only doing church social activities etc. for the last 10 yrs, the previous 5 in Vineyard and the 5 before that at Oakwood. Both times we had a hard time really fitting in, both times we had a crisis where each wasn't really there for us, and both times we got to the point where we wondered, "If we just didn't show up anymore, would anyone care? Would anyone even notice our absence?" Both times we tested it, and both times we found our feelings and suspicions to be correct.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Trusting Jesus For Memory Recovery

Back in about 1992 when I first started dealing with the abuse, I really had no memories. Just a lot of signs and symptoms of having been sexually abused. Plus I had this sense of incompleteness, like there was something I didn't know always nagging at me. I hated waiting for flashbacks for memory fragments to pop up. Once, I got fed up with waiting for the memories and decided to utilize some of my self hypnosis techniques from my days involved with the New Age movement. I totally relaxed my whole body and then imagined walking down a flight of steps to a basement while counting backward from 10. This is standard practice for hypnosis.

Friday, July 22, 2005

On Fear And Going Public

[This is a repost from a while ago. This blog was hacked and this post and another were deleted. Apparently someone is threatened by what I write and doesn't believe in the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution.]

This record is not just a nifty place for me to rant. It is a testimony. It is a chronicle of my journey as it unfolds along the way. Already, since its inception, the journey has taken me on surprising twists and turns. My life seemed complicated when I started this, and has only become more so, as well as becoming like some wierd movie. I would probably not believe it if I weren't living it and experiencing it. For awhile, when I first started to discover these things, I was very fearful, but after much thought and struggle, I have come to the decision that I do not want to live my life out of fear, because I have discovered, as Paul Atreides did in "Dune", that "Fear is the mind killer". Once it takes root in ones spirit, it is a dark poison that permeates the whole person and strangles hope. It provides the very fertile ground in which the weeds of despair, and desolation grow.

Anger And Retribution

[This is a repost from a while ago. This blog was hacked and this post and another were deleted. Apparently someone is threatened by what I write and doesn't believe in the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution.]

1 The LORD said to Moses, 2 "Say to the Israelites: 'Any Israelite or any alien living in Israel who gives [a] any of his children to Molech must be put to death. The people of the community are to stone him. 3 I will set my face against that man and I will cut him off from his people; for by giving his children to Molech, he has defiled my sanctuary and profaned my holy name. 4 If the people of the community close their eyes when that man gives one of his children to Molech and they fail to put him to death, 5 I will set my face against that man and his family and will cut off from their people both him and all who follow him in prostituting themselves to Molech. Leviticus 20:1-5

Who is Molech?

As I have been putting together the pieces of my history in the last months, I have often been overwhelmed with rage at everything that happened to me and at the people who put me in harms way. Often too, I have a rage at society in general for choosing to stay blind to the horrors that are going on all around them. Child abuse, ritual abuse, child pornography, child prostitution and many other abominations visited on children are all too common and these things proliferate in part due to the blindness and apathy of the public at large.

One might read the above passage from scripture and not see any relationship to the present day. After all, who is Molech anyway? Nobody worships Molech nowadays do they? That was a long time ago, but we are more rational now, aren't we?

Saturday, July 02, 2005

The Wizard of Oz- A Tool For Mind Control

"It was pure inspiration.... It came to me right out of the blue. I think that sometimes the Great Author has a message to get across and He has to use the instrument at hand. I happened to be that medium, and I believe the magic key was given me to open the doors to sympathy and understanding, joy, peace and happiness."
Hearn, Michael Patrick, ed. The Annotated Wizard of Oz. New York: Clarkson N. Potter,

This is a quote from L. Frank Baum, author of the popular children's book, later made into the movie, The Wizard of Oz which has made such a cultural impact on America in the 20th century and beyond. Baum was a member of the Theosophical Society . Theosophy is a metaphysical tradition loosely based on Eastern Mysticism. Many teachings are incorporated into Baum's famous books. That's just a little background for something that has been used by the Illuminati for purposes of trauma based mind control programming, specifically in Project Monarch.