Friday, September 10, 2004

The Wisdom of Cameron West

I just read a great memoir by Cameron West called First Person Plural. He says something in it that I think is a great metaphor for the work that we as multiples have to do. Here is an excerpt:

It seems to me I've spent my entire life having nothing more than a toehold in this world. That's all. Most of the time I feel like I'm just a piece of a human being, one of a bunch of jagged chips of glass from a broken vase, lying scattered on an old rug. I look over at the other broken pieces of glass and some of them look like me and some of them don't, but we're all just chips of glass on the same rug. And I say to myself, "Shouldn't we be closer together? We'd look a whole lot more like a vase if we were closer together, you know... if we connected the pieces. And we'd be less likely to get swept up and thrown out with the trash."

This connecting is my greatest challenge right now so this was really helpful, then I added to the metaphor:If you start to pick up the pieces, you might get cut, plus, some of the pieces may be scattered in the dark places like under the couch, and to reach in there is even more potential for getting hurt. This is my struggle. As I connect with my others, I feel things buried that I don't want to feel, and sometimes remember things that I would rather forget. Plus I find conflict... so its really hard and a lot of the time I just bury my head in denial and go around in sort of a fog, getting nothing done. Mainly, I journal to try to connect and communicate which sometimes works really well and sometimes not. Its a process....

Luv ya,

My history in a nutshell

I grew up in the mountains of Colorado. My parents were divorced when I was 2 or 3. I lived with my Mom and Stepdad and visited my Dad and Stepmother every other weekend, some holidays, and vacations in the summer. The abuse, from what I gather now, happened between ages 3 and 8 fairly routinely I think. Most happened at my Dads house from him and my stepmother. I also had secondary abuse from the medical community related to chronic bladder infections with multiple catheterizations that really took the form of rapes. Also many instances of forced sexual activity and generally being used by guys in adolescence. From my Dad the abuse took the form of incest and involved me basically being turned into a "comfort toy" for him both sexually and emotionally, and this was mostly during the divorce from age 3-5.