Sunday, March 10, 2013

My Life Story in Three Parts

I haven't posted on this blog lately because I've been working on three stand alone pages that tell my life story so far. These pages can be found at the top of this blog. I am writing them from three angles, if  you will, viewing my life. These pages are to provide background and context for things I mean to write about in the future.

"The Outside Story" is an abridged version of my life story from the perspective of me Eliana, the host and original/core self of my collective mind. The "Inside Story" is the same story but from the integrated perspective of my inside parts who lived the abuse that I was amnesic to. The "Spiritual Story" is forthcoming and tells the story of our spiritual journey which in truth is the most important journey of all and gives me the sense of purpose I have that drives me on. Currently I am finished with the first two which can be read by linking on them at the top of this blog or here:

The Outside Story

The Inside Story

Tuesday, January 01, 2013


My life is dark
They say the night is darkest before the dawn
Except I've lost count of how many times someone has said that to me, or how many times I've tried to buoy my despair with that thought.
My life: One solid dark night but with a constant moon.
Sometimes full
Sometimes a sliver
Sometimes absent
But there nonetheless
A constant source of dim light
It doesn't lighten my life but only seems to stand as a far off witness-- a reminder that there is hope, however dim, however far off it may seem.
It is there.
It doesn't illuminate much, only my next footfall.
Maybe that is a reminder to not look further.
Thank you God, for my daily bread
For the light in my night
A promise of things to come.
But like the moon stands apart from the Earth, so I believe my hope lies on another world-- another life.
I've given up on any notion that day will dawn upon the endless night of my life.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Surface: The Noise She Couldn't Make (Game Review)

I am a big fan of casual games, and hidden object/adventure games in particular. They allow one to get some fun brain exercise, and are usually not very frustrating. Casual games are a great way to take a break from the hard work of trauma recovery and ride out the tough spots.

I just finished one of these games where the topic of the story is about a girl who has DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). It depicts this somewhat exotic disorder fairly accurately, albeit showing inaccurate and even more exotic treatment.  In the game the player plays the part of a psychic who is called to a hospital to work with an unconscious "Jane Doe". Your job is to enter the girl's mind (known as an internal landscape to those of us who are very familiar with the minutia of vocabulary around this disorder) and follow the clues to find what secrets are hidden there; and unravel the mystery of her past and memories which will, hopefully, offer a cure for the girl's dire condition.

Right away the player encounters an aggressive alter personality whose job it is to protect what is hidden as well as do what she believes the executive self is too weak or timid to handle. From her aggressive and obstructive behavior it is obvious that "Noise" has gotten quite out of hand and is trying to take over the girl's executive personality (host self) entirely.

The game does a good job of showing the connections between prolonged trauma and the development of alter identities, while none of the trauma is graphically described, but just discreetly implied. It also shows fairly accurately the role of a typical protector alter identity, although in real life the threat of external violence to others is fairly low. It is a very satisfying and therapeutic experience to help this girl's situation come to a resolution and a happy ending, not just in the internal world of her mind, but in her real life as well.

The action of the game consists of traveling around the girl's inner landscape collecting items and solving problems and puzzles. The difficulty level of puzzles varies, but there is always a skip button if they seem too challenging. The collectors edition comes with a strategy guide as well and a hint button will tell the player what to do in the event that they get stuck.
 Hidden object scenes consist of a straightforward list of  objects to find in a scene which is the only downside for those familiar with this game genre. It would have been nice if the scenes were more interactive as is becoming more common these days
with these kinds of games.

In the bonus chapter that comes with the collector's edition of the game we get to see more of Liza's memories and source of internal conflict.

A fun little side activity in the game is the collecting of  glowing flowers in the various scenes which act as a  kind of game currency for a store which sells various furnishings and decor for a virtual office. There is a bookcase in the office which displays your achievements as you work your way through the game.

Eliana's Office

Since most people have little knowledge about DID, I will oblige myself and set the record straight on a couple of inaccuracies in the game. In real life, psychics are not needed to treat a case of DID. In real life a good therapist well versed in trauma therapy, preferably with experience with dissociation should suffice. People suffering with this condition can do many things to help themselves recover as well and can even sometimes work their way through their own internal landscape with the help of a journal, art, or other tools.

In addition, alter identities, even aggressive ones, need not be obliterated in order for the person to lead a balanced and productive life. If an alter is exhibiting destructive behavior towards the other parts of the self, the body, or others listening to her story and reasoning and resolving conflicts is the way to deal with this. Alters are always acting protectively but their reasoning may be flawed or based on lies they are believing. If  a safe person (including the host self) can gain their trust and find out why they feel they need to act in a destructive manner they may be able to share new information with the alter or help her examine her motives, and thereby convince her to become an ally of the executive self so that both can work together for safety and healing. The eventual result of this partnership may be integration of the two personalities, not annihilation of one as is shown in this game.

I would say the trigger risk of this game for DID survivors is fairly low and the benefits are many.  As a survivor myself, it helped to have a kind of visual representation for the kinds of things we try to contain within our minds like secrets, information, and memories too painful to face consciously.

You can purchase the collector's edition of the game here

Friday, August 10, 2012

The Myth Of The Illuminati

I've been meaning to write about my changing views regarding conspiracy theories concerning the Illuminati. Of course, my main realm of experience is with ritual abuse and organized mind control, so I will mainly stick with those aspects of this topic.

One thing I have come to understand through my recovery from all of the abuse I have endured over the years,  is that  memories and deliberate programming of my mind exist in layers. As I have processed through each layer, my clarity about what actually happened to me throughout my life improves. I have had to construct "working theories" at various times to help me understand the story of my life, So much has been hidden from me, and I have been deliberately deceived and misled by many people throughout my life and recovery. At this point  I feel the clearest and most certain that my current "working theory" of the story of the hidden side of my life is more correct than ever before. I credit my ability to achieve this level of clarity with having confronted and dismantled a key part of my programming. This programming may be referred to as Illuminati programming and I now have a radical new view about what this programming is really about.

Those who are well versed in the conspiracy theory material easily found online, and have read much of what is available on the subjects of ritual abuse and mind control you will find a consistent thread that runs through most of the stories that goes as follows:

The Illuminati are a powerful international group comprised of the world's most influential people who control the world around us from behind the scenes. They are said to craft or influence everything of importance from the laws our government makes, to the things our children learn in school, to what is taught in our churches. They are said to be unified in their dream to bring about the New World Order, aka a one world government. It is said that they believe in ancient pagan religions going as far back as Babylon, and secretly pass on these beliefs and associated practices from generation to generation. Where ritual abuse and mind control are concerned, it is said that the Illuminati have a practice of deliberately creating DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) in its members from the time they are infants, or even while they are fetuses. They meticulously sculpt the group members' many alter identities to become fully functional automatons, serving the group's agenda completely, throughout their entire life.

I wrote about this process in an article for this blog in 2006 called The Illuminati's Biggest Secret. I wrote this article when I was in the beginning of my process of recovery from the ritual abuse and mind control, but I can now safely say that at that time I was still very much speaking out of this particular kind of programming . But there was a bigger secret, or a deeper layer, that I believe I have figured out since then. This may surprise those who are well versed in Illuminati lore.

First, let me say that I do not deny that there are secret cult groups who practice various forms of esoteric belief systems. I also know that many of these secret groups do practice ritual abuse of children, deliberate creation and sculpting of DID, and various forms of mind control. I do not deny that there are many groups who are pursuing their dream of a one world government. But I have come to believe that Illuminati programming is not carried out by The Illuminati. I now believe that it is carried out by criminal and unethical elements within the U.S. Government. I have come to believe that the myth of the Illuminati is the mask the perpetrators of mind control hide behind. They also use it as a rallying point, or a homing beacon for the purpose of finding, tracking, and doing damage control on their victims should they ever start to remember this abuse. Another goal of maintaining this legend would be to disseminate disinformation to a curious public, but that is another subject entirely.

Please remember that the mind stores memories of abuse and programming in layers as the person progresses throughout life. The people who are experienced in the construction and organization of these alter systems take advantage of that fact. When the person begins to get glimpses of what happened to them, mainly the memories of organized group abuse, the first layer of programming kicks in to protect the rest. I now believe that some perpetrators of mind control have constructed a programming layer they installed within some victims at the very top layer of their system, right below the amnesic barrier which is supposed to keep them from remembering anything about this at all. If the victims who have this programming get beyond the amnesia barrier, the Illuminati programming will kick in and all memories they retrieve thereafter will be contained within this context. So one will start remembering, say, local cult ritual abuse of their childhood, but the Illuminati programming will tell them that the name of the group and the true identity of their family are Illuminati. If they are a very inquisitive sort, they will read books,  get online, or get in contact with "experts". Many of these sources  will be more than happy to spin their new recollections to fit within the myth of the Illuminati as it is taught by these various sources. Some of these sources are knowingly deceiving others and some are simply deceived and passing on what they believe to be true.

One may ask, "Why go to all of the trouble to do this?"  The first and most important reason is that the original (and possibly current) abusers of the victim do not ever want them discovering the truth of their memories, and of the people who harmed them. I surmise that another important reason this is done is so that when a victim starts to remember there is a ready-made community of experts and supporters right there to "help" them make sense of their memories and "assist" in their recovery. The community who subscribes to these beliefs is not mainstream, so this further functions to keep the victim isolated within a small sub-culture where they can be easily monitored and reintegrated into the mind control group network. It also keeps them discredited in the eyes of mainstream society. This has the bonus effect of keeping these crimes hidden, keeping skepticism active in the listener of the person's story, and the perpetrators free from prosecution. An expert "helper" or counselor/rescuer will often soon show up to walk this very confused and terrified person through their memories and recovery process. The thing is, if this "helper" is part of an existing MC network, what they will do is spin every newly forming recollection to fit the Illuminati lore. In effect,  a fresh layer of programming, is being constructed. Now the survivor is passing on their "history" to another generation of open-minded people and the disinformation continues, as may the slavery behind the scenes.

The other reason this mythology works well for creating illusory programming in a victim is that it is rife with all of the devices one would need to program a person to believe that there is no way they can ever be free. The big messages that come with this programming can be summed up with the picture of the all-seeing eye. The embedded messages that are inherent in this programming are things like:

We are everywhere.                
We control everything.
We see and know everything you do.
There is no where you can run where we aren't in control.

This keeps victims subject to this programming very isolated and suspicious of everyone around them for fear that everyone  may be "one of Them". This can keep them from going to law enforcement if they continue to be abused,  keep them from going to the doctor or the dentist, or seeking a healthy and nurturing community to belong to, or even to make friends or trust their own spouse or children. Most of all, it keeps them going to the same "experts" for answers; experts who manage their perceptions to continually feed this programming.

Is it any accident that so many key, visible figures within the conspiracy theory community turn out to be "former" government agents from various alphabet soup agencies? I think not. I also do not think they are "former" agents. What this amounts to is psychological warfare of the most cunning type and an effective "fox-guarding-the-hen-house" operation.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that the memories of survivors of mind control are false. I am only saying they are often muddied and distorted to hide the real truth, that is unless they keep going. To the survivors out there who believe you grew up in an Illuminati family because you have memories of ritual abuse and a supposed "Illuminati" last name, among other things you have been taught. I also suspect that there are some occult groups calling themselves the Illuminati, but are just as limited as every other crime and abuse group.

Don't take my word for it. Keep going. Don't be satisfied with the level of truth you have now. Listen deep inside. Let the parts who endured the abuse speak for themselves. Trust your inner wisdom and not some self-appointed expert. Only trust those who have proven themselves trustworthy over time. Keep going.

Now let me tell you the picture of the world of human slavery and mind control as I have come to see it:

I believe that what we are dealing with out there is not some unified, all powerful group. What we are dealing with is a variety of exploitative groups with various goals, cooperating at times with one another to meet those goals. Some of these groups are research oriented, some are espionage oriented, some are criminal occult groups, or deviant cults. Others are groups who create and distribute illegal pornography, or run human trafficking operations. The list goes on.

I also know that programmed multiples are a valuable commodity to all of these groups. A person like this offers them a slave who not only doesn't have to be paid to do dirty work, but who can be made to do it and then never remember that it happened. And the original programmers of the individual reassure their client buyers and leasers that they are fully capable of managing this person's mind in order that they will never remember the truth and that these people can be safe from any prosecution. Sadly, this is usually the case.

Before you disregard all that I am saying here consider this:  I am one who has kept going. I am one who has broken out of this illusory management of my mind and my newly returning memories; management that did not benefit me in the least, but benefited my old and new controllers alike. While this management and spin game was going on I always had parts of myself telling me that the way these new memories were being contextualized, and the strategies I was following for "healing" were only sending me into a maze of illusion and decoys. I found that the alters who were guiding me, who were determined to break out of the control, once and for all, were right. I have more clarity now than ever before and the story around how I became subjected to ritual abuse and mind control is now becoming much more clear, and it makes sense with what I have always known about my family and the community around them.

I welcome challenges from those who truly believe that The Illuminati, as portrayed in most available writings, is alive and well. I only want to hear from those with first hand knowledge of this fact, not those who have read about them only. Make your case to me as to how you know that it is The Illuminati who have harmed you through the years. I want to listen and I am never finished learning.

I wish you all truth.

Monday, May 07, 2012

She's A Quantum Enigma

This is a term I have recently begun to apply to  myself. It is an expression of how I have come to see myself, through and through. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Forgiveness: Freedom, Blessing, and Wrath

When it comes to forgiveness,  I have exercised this out of sheer obedience to God. He really has broken through to me in very clear ways and has had me do this.  The first time was way back in 1992, I think. This was at the beginning of my memories breaking through and I only knew the shadows of what had happened. Still, God led me to a book by Stormie Omartin where I learned of the power of forgiveness for the first time. I learned that doing this is not to let the offender off the hook, but it is to free me to move on.  I was so amazed at this insight that I shared it with my husband in the kitchen. Right when we were talking about this there was a knock on the door. It was the mailman delivering a package. The package was from my sister. In it was a lapel pin with a lamb on it and words that said, "Forgiveness heals and renews". There was also a card that said "I was praying the other day and the Holy Spirit told me to tell you to forgive our father."  So I prayed forgiveness to my father. I didn't "feel" it. I just did it. I told God I could not do this by myself, but that he needed to make it manifest within me.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


This is a representation of a recurring dream I have. The dream always involves forgotten cats and kittens in someone's basement. I am always trying to rescue them and take them home and I am always worried that my husband won't like it if I bring them home and I worry about how I will care for them. My suspicion if that the cats and kittens are symbolic of my lost, split off selves. I think my mind chose this symbol because I love and can bond with cats. Its my inside people's way of getting me to care about them and be motivated to save them.

The Wise Virgin

I wait for you, my Master.... I wait.
I keep my lamp lit through the darkness of this world
The light in my lamp reminds me that there is hope
Preserve my chastity, Master, while I wait
Tears dry in time
For abundance of sorrow my hope fades and my oil dwindles
Fill my lamp, O sovereign One
Light my flame
Give me patience to wait... and to stay wise.


I used to avoid anything to do with butterflies because of reading about "Monarch Programming". But now I am skeptical that any programming method goes by this name as the source of this name is not a credible one and can't be found anywhere else. There are several authors who talk about this programming, but I believe all of them get their source material from Fritz Springmeiger who can't be considered a credible source. If anyone has any other material that shows that programming by this name actually exists, please let me know.